One.

One short year ago I was in the hospital with a fresh baby boy in my arms.  He was perfect in every way and long-awaited through 9 FFAAATTTTTTT months of pregnancy and he was finally here!!  (Okay, so I got induced.. don't judge me, I needed that baby out.)  As you can see he was a welcomed addition.

Okay- Brynn may have asked me about 2 days after we came home with him- "Mom, when this boy baby dies, can we get a girl baby!?"  Sweet Brynn.  Never a dull moment with her even a year ago.... Amazingly she's gone from that question to loving her brother SO much.  She's totally protective of him and will stand up for him even to me.  She also has no problem poking him until he cries, locking him in the bathroom with the lights off, and pulling him around the house by his feet.... but let's focus on the good.  The two of them as siblings has been more of a blessing to me than I could have ever imagined when we decided to try for another baby- which was of course going to be another girl... Oh God does have a sense of humor, doesn't he!?

What I didn't know then is that the baby boy God placed in my body was going to become the sweetest little boy I've ever known.  From the day he was born no one has loved that precious little man more than his momma.  He has blessed my heart in ways I never thought possible, and it brings me no greater joy than to see him bring joy and smiles to others.  He loves to wave at ANYONE, he dances at the first beat of a song, and loves food quite possible as much as his mother (a true accomplishment, I assure you).

I can't believe in one short year I've watched him grow from this....

to this....

I will admit there have been times in the last year when Ive wanted to sell him to the highest bidder.  But in all honestly, I wouldn't trade him for anything.. not even a girl baby.  I love you sweet Trig Brody.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for your years to come.  

Dearest Drive-Thru

Here's to you, my friend, the "fast"-food drive-thru employee.  After waiting 5 minutes for my "freshly-made" cheeseburger with Coke Zero and hot curly fries, I instead enjoyed it with Cherry Coke and cold fries...   I know, it's tough to decipher between Cherry and Zero, what with them being at different ends of the word Coke and all...  and I understand I came at the busy half-way-between-lunch-and-dinner-hour, and you were quite frazzled.  I certainly appreciated that you over-flowed my pop all over the outside of my cup and handed it to me dripping and sticky, because if you hadn't, I wouldn't have asked for the napkins that I used to wipe my face of the messy cheeseburger, since putting them in my bag slipped your mind.  It's ok, I forgive you.  I know you were just stunned by my striking beauty as I handed you my credit card (ha!).  Don't you worry, though, I shall return to patronize you another day.  No, not because of your unexpectedly impressive service.  But rather, because you will continue to inject your deliciousness with some sort of crack-like substance that keeps me wanting more.  See you soon.

SAHM (Stay-at-home-mom)

It has been 85 days since my last post.  For the 3 of you that read this, I am terribly sorry for depriving you of my oh-so-valuable thoughts.  I'm sure your life has completely fallen apart as you wonder, "what is Leah thinking!?" (insert eye-roll...)  Seriously, though, it's ridiculous that I haven't found (taken) any time to blog in the past almost 3 months.  I've written roughly 63 posts in my head, but I know that doesn't count.  At the start of this new school year I am going to attempt to write more regularly.  For your entertainment- yes, definitely, but more than that for myself.  I can barely remember what I did yesterday (unless you are talking about eating... I can remember good food for weeks, months, YEARS) so I need to write it down if I have any hopes of learning anything at all in this life. 

Lots of things have occured since June 14.  Most of them trivial, some rather wonderful.  Trig learned to "army crawl", pull himself up, and has cut 4 teeth.  My sweet cousin, Jenna, is now a Mrs.  Brynn is a preschooler.  I made two new friends (say WHAT!?).  I lost 5 lbs. or so.. (hallelujah, only 25 to go...........................).  My fall decor is up!!! (very important)  I've started my new job as a SAHMOP.  I did not go back to school/work for the first September EVER.  Just to name a few!

A fairly eventful 3 months I suppose.  On Friday, I was sitting in a classroom at good 'ole New Century Academy, my previous place of employment, teaching English for my favorite colleauge.  I had very mixed emotions about being in the building.  On one hand, I was SO glad to be subbing rather than teaching in my own classroom.  Very laid-back, low-stakes, low-responsibilty.  LOVE.  On another hand, it makes me sad that I don't have my own classroom and students this year.  I feel a little jealous of the math teacher who took my place, wishing I was embarking on a new year with new students- grading papers, planning lessons, talking about numbers instead teaching important life skills (ahhh... numbers.. i love you...).  And still on another hand (yes, that's hand number 3, don't judge), I feel SO THANKFUL to be staying at home with the kiddos this year.  Waking up at 6am and getting ready Friday morning was ugly (my face in the mirror included).  I'm a firm believer in "if it's still dark out you should still be sleeping."

I know its only a short season, so I'm really trying to enjoy and cherish this time focusing on my home and children.  I usually succeed at this, as I possess the cutest and coolest on the planet.  Truth:

Biased? Prehaps.  But seriously, look at them rocking those Red Vines.  Even so, this SAHM thing can be a tough one.  Sometimes it becomes hard to find purpose in my everyday.  Somewhere in between cleaning food off the floor for the 7th time that day, sending Brynn back to the bathroom for another try due to the syrup still on her chin from yersterday, and reminding her not to talk to me like I am one of her snot-nosed preschool friends, I can start to feel somewhat crazy (certifiably insane).  No, Brynn, you may not put lipgloss in your hair.  I know it's sparkly and gorgeous, but they do call it lipgloss for a reason.   

I know exactly why most women in our culture choose to work instead of volunteering for an extended sentence in baby prison (thanks, Jen Hatmaker for this term- a true reflection of my wonderful reality).  It's exciting heading to your job everyday in your fancy clothes, sans snot and baby barf.  You wear jewelery and heals often, talk to more than 2 adults in one day, and succeed in savoring your lunch daily (I hate you).  Oh, how I long for the days when I actually felt qualified to do my job.... I loved being the expert I paid so dearly to become (thanks, Bethel).  Now I'm the boss of a company I don't know enough about, wondering how in the world it's even remotely successful.  Staying at home to raise my babies for now instead of "giving them to someone else to raise" doesn't sound nearly as noble as it once did.  Mostly since I've realized that I can't blame what they do wrong on anyone else............
And then this was the verse of the day...

"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord.  Remember the great reward it brings you!  Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will.  Then you will receive all that he has promised."  Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT

Well, thank you, Jesus.  It's just like you to know exactly what I needed to hear.  After subbing at my seemingly perfect and glamorous job that I RESIGNED FROM, part of me wondering WHY!!??  I will not throw away my confident trust in you.  I know you laid out this new "job" for me and trust that it is where you would have me right now.  I know if I am patient you will lead me wherever I am needed and purposed.  I will enjoy this time- as I know I will be longing for my no-bra-wearing-the-same-sweat-pants-since-Monday days someday all too soon.

  

Just stand still and don't touch anything.

I said something along those lines to my three-year-old (when I first wrote that I typed 2-year-old... Where does the time go?) while we were standing in a landscape supply store the other day.  I had made a trip to St. Cloud that day and Brandon needed something- so since I was there I thought I'd save him a trip.  It was REALLY hot that day (hot and I are mostly enemies) and so getting in and out of the car was slightly miserable.  I planned to just run in and tell them I was there, have them load the stuff in my car and leave.  I left Trig in the car sleeping (go ahead, call social service- my aunt works there, so if you need the number let me know) and only brought Brynn in because she of course had to poop at that exact moment.

She of course has to ask 36 questions about all the products in the office- "what is that, mom?"  "Can I have one of those?"  Blah, blah.  Standard for 3, I know, but you must recall we are not in the Gap we are in a landscape supply store.  There are no children here.  There are landscaping things and crabby business men trying to get their stuff and get back to work.  No one here cares that my daughter needs to poop and that my 8-month-old is waiting in the car.  I stood there for several minutes waiting before being helped, only to find out that I was going to have to wait some more for them to go retrieve whatever it was I was picking up.  (Thanks so much for calling 20 seconds before I arrived, honey.)  I took Brynn to the potty (twice- she apparently wasn't done after the first time) and brought her back into the car while I waited at the risk of her breaking something expensive.  There I am waiting, waiting, wwaaaiiitttiinnnggggggggggg.... peeking out the window every 15 seconds to make sure my kids are still in the car and alive, positive that everyone in the office is thinking I'm ridiculous for bringing my children, or at least neglectful for making them wait in the car.

Finally, after 2 meltdowns per child while the guy is loading things into my car, I was headed home.  On the way, kids sleeping by God's sweet grace after a day of no naps, I became quite annoyed with myself.  I was so mean to Brynn in the store.  (And I'm sure I was a real peach to the office people- standing there waiting in frustration for my landscaping crap.)  Every phrase from my lips was negative.  "Don't do that.  Quit touching that!  I told you not to touch that!  Come on, Brynn, you know better.  You just went potty, why didn't you finish while we were already in there?  Shhhh!!!  Don't talk so loud...."  Oh and the looks I gave her.  I of course couldn't see my face, but I can about imagine.  I mean, the girl is THREE, Leah!  Settle down on her.

This extremely unhelpful and ineffective parenting has been happening all too often lately in the midst of my new full-time-mommy-with-two-kids role.  I'm too often looking back at how I reacted to something kid-related and wanting to smack myself.  Upon reflecting on my behavior I have decided that there are a few reasons why I get so frustrated at my children in certain situations.

1. I am totally embarrassed.  When I morph into shut-up-or-i'll-smack-you mommy in public it is almost always because I am mortified by my child(ren)'s behavior.  I just really don't what them bugging other people!  Honestly, it's one of the things that stresses me out the most.  I just want them to be kids who are "seen and not heard" when we are in public.  People shouldn't have to be inconvenienced by my kids.  They didn't show up with them and their experience at wherever shouldn't have to be affected by them.  This may sounds ridiculous, but this one is directly related to the fact that I'm not a "kid person."  I love my kids of course, but not just any kids.  I guess I want them to be kids that don't annoy us non-kid-lovers.

2. I know I taught them better than that.  Okay, so Trig is not yet 8-months old- I've taught him basically nothing.  But Brynn- I look at her some days and think, "Are you KIDDING me!??"  I am just shocked some times by the things we have to go back to on the learning curve.  "You really thought throwing all of those clothes from the stroller onto the store floor was an okay thing to do?"  "What made you think that dragging Trig across the carpet by his arms while he's screaming was fine?"  "Did you just jump off the back of their couch?"  Seriously- these and more are just questions I shouldn't have to ask at this point.

3. I'm crabby about something else.  This one makes me the most upset with myself.  Sometimes I'm pissed at Brandon for something.  Other times I'm seriously exhausted from being up too late, or having to get up during the night.  Or maybe I'm hormonal.  Whatever.  The point is my kids are just walking (or in Trig's case-rolling) along enjoying life and "psycho mommy" flies at them for no real reason.  NOT COOL.

There they are.  Top three reasons I get far to frustrated with my kiddos.  Sad thing is that regardless of my justifications- and let me tell you, sometimes they deserve it, I'm almost always missing the boat.  I'm ignoring the teachable moments and instead demanding obedience.  I'm squelching curiosity and trading it for quiet.  I'm punishing cries for affection with spankings and harsh words.  Before you quit reading please understand that I am not apologizing for disciplining my children.  I'm apologizing for my heart behind it.  I seem to have mastered disciplining with the wrong motives.  After all, why is it that I want Brynn to behave in a certain way?  Why do I want my babies to do this and not that? 

I want them to know how to be a successful adult.  That's the bottom line.  Practical things of course: social skills, hygiene, etc, etc.  But most of all I want them to have success in their relationships.  I desire for them to know how to be a good friend.  How to be a good wife/husband and mom/dad someday.  How to be a good student, co-worker, neighbor.  That's all of our goals, right?  More than that I just want so badly for them to know The One who loves more than my heart is able.  The One who made them each specifically and loved them before they were even a thought in my mind.  He knew that I should be the one to lead them as their mother in the beginning of their lives in this world and I am so thankful He chose me to do it.  Humbled and so grateful for the opportunity.  My prayer today and always is that God would help me raise them to know Him as their Savior.  Not because I know Him, but because HE pursues them.

I want them to know how much Jesus loves them.  That sounds cliché, but I mean it with all of my being.  If they can know how much Jesus truly loves them they will without a doubt fall in love with Him in return.  If you knew Him truly you would have no other choice.  So whatever it is I am supposed to teach them to make it possible for them to encounter His presence I want to do it.  He is the  WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.  To know and serve Him is to have succeeded.  Help me, Lord, so that they will succeed.

"Hi, I'm Leah."

A few weeks ago, someone approached me at church.  This is already weird since my personality is such that not many people approach me- which is indeed how I like it I suppose.  Anyway, I was approached by a sweet girl who shall remain nameless letting me know that she was going to be starting a women's bible study for the summer.  She said she thought of me and was wondering if I'd like to be in it.  Now, several thoughts were swimming in my head about this point.  Mostly- "I don't even know you!" and "No.. no I will not be in a random women's bible study.." and "Why in the WORLD are you asking me??"  Those are just the watered down, writable thoughts.. there were others.  Of course there is someone standing in front of me waiting for me to answer if this is "something I'd be interested in?" (NO.) 

So naturally, and when I say naturally I mean about as natural as me ordering a veggie burger, I agreed to join the study.

Say WHAT!?  I didn't even know who these "women" were going to be in this study... and I just go and agree, just like that?  Was it because this woman standing before me seemed so cute and fun?  Because I often admired her and her sweet little family during a service?  I don't know.  But there I was, all signed up for a new study with a bunch of randoms.  Just in case you think I'm being dramatic let me just tell you that me choosing to meet new people is about as likely as me choosing to eat at home when given the option to go out.  It just doesn't happen, people.  Not only does the "nice to meet you" scene sound just hideous, I just frankly am not looking for new friends.  That sounds snobby, I know, but I really am not.  I've got a few close friends that I love very dearly, and I'm just not one to have a bunch of friends I will never be able to keep up with.  I want to be a good friend to a few, not a mediocre one to many.  

That aside I will admit I was looking forward to a new study.  We were going to to a Beth Moore study.  I have done several and absolutely adore her.  Perhaps this is what made me agree? Anyhow there was a small light in the midst of the nightmare.  Atleast I would have something to study this summer.  Get closer to the Lord- eh?  I suppose I could use that.  Or I might die without it.  Or one of the two.  It will be fine.  And honestly at this point I still had hope that maybe there would be one or two people I would be somewhat familiar with that ended up being in the study.  Everything would work out.  

Fast forward a bit to Tuesday of this week.  The night of our first study.  Judging by the names in the bible study's Facebook group it was official I would not know a soul.  Like, I "knew of" 3 people.  Out of 9.  And when I say knew of I mean I had once heard their names.  Gag.  Vomit.  Death.  Luckily my day was pretty busy like most and I didn't have a whole lot of time to process what I was about to embark on that evening until the car ride there.  There I was driving.  I had to look up the address on the way since I had no clue where I was going.  I had some fresh make up on as I thought it necessary since I knew no one.. you know.. make a decent impression?  Whatever- my sad attempt.  Couldn't quite get myself out of my sweats, but hey?  I can let them in on a little of the real me right away, right?  

I was nervous, but mostly distracted by making sure I found the place.  Once I got there, (roughly 7 minutes late, standard business.  I will be late to my own funeral.)  I quickly entered into "what they heck am I doing here" mode.  Which looks really good on me, by the way, helps the first impression immensely.  I rudely sent a text to the bestie- "I feel like a total freak... this is why I never do this stuff..."  I knew she was most likely tickled by the thought of me in my current situation as she knew how mortifying it was for me.  I could just see her sick little smile at the though of me squirming in my discomfort.  But that sweet, sweet sister replied to me with "It will be okay- the Lord's got something in store for you... He told me :) Go- let him do it!"  

She'll never know what those words meant to me at that moment.  Quite possibly saved me from fainting and making a total fool of myself, but more than that.  They redirected me to what it was all about.  To WHO it is all about.  My sweet Jesus.  He's been shaking me up lately for what I can only imagine is bringing me closer to Him and His perfect plan for me.  I'm drowning in all the things in me that I feel disqualify me from making a difference for Him.  Yet in the midst I am humbled by the fact that he might just use those very things to show others His sweet face.  Use me, precious Jesus.  

Turns out I didn't die during the Bible study.  I didn't pass out either.  No guarantees on leaving without everyone thinking I was totally annoying and weird, but I am still living.  Even looking forward to next week.  In the middle of being completely freaked out there was something beautiful about being in a group of women brought together perhaps by nothing more than a desire to seek Him together.  And- thank you Lord- the hostess served some AWESOME coffee.  And someone brought delicious cake.  What can I say?  I'm easily pleased, and slightly shallow.  I so hope people in my new bible study read this so they can know how crazy I am and end their suspicions.  

"I know who you are, I made you."

So... I haven't blogged in over a week.  I have been quite busy- as last week was the last week of school for me (more on that to come..) but I'm going to be really honest with you about the biggest reason I haven't posted.  I've been struggling.  Emotionally.  And quite frankly I just want so badly to revert to old habits and keep it to myself to figure it out.  But.... as we all know that goes against the premise of this blog, as I did promise to share my heart with you.

So what is so wrong with my life that I'm so emotionally wrecked lately?  Oh you know- NOTHING.  Not just saying that like we women love to say (especially me, just ask my husband) I really mean it.  There is really nothing new going on in my life that should cause me to be so down and weepy!  I mean the usual stuff of course, kids being kids (and sometimes pretending to be snotty adults..), husbands doing their best to annoy you (or maybe that's just mine?), the house doing its best to get messy again after you JUST cleaned it, etc, etc.  But honestly everything is pretty great currently.

With the exception of me.  I have felt for the last week or so that I could burst into tears at any given moment.  The slightest little statement from anyone that rubs me the wrong way and I can feel my eyes well up with tears.  I'm serious, we are talking some pretty minimal and ridiculous stuff here.  SO not like me!  So after a few days or so of this I started thinking, what is wrong with me!?  So naturally, the first thing I did was take a pregnancy test (please, dear God, don't say I'm pregnant!!)..... negative (thank you, Jesus).  Then I started thinking I may just be getting my period back, since I haven't gotten it yet after Trig, but it's been more than a week now and still no sign of it.  So what is it?

Well, I started really reflecting on the comments and situations that were making me so upset and depressed, and wouldn't you know they all seemed to circulate around one subject: I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!  Oh I know what you're thinking... here we go again!  You already told us you have thirty pounds left to lose, fatty!  Ok, I realize you probably didn't think "fatty" as you are much nicer to me than I am, but evenso.  I know I already blogged about that.

The truth is- over the last couple weeks after that blog I have become even more sick to DEATH about my current physical and health state.  I honestly don't feel confident and comfortable in my own skin and it's really taking a toll on me as of late.  SOOOO... with that in mind, I decided I need to make a major change here.  Unless of course I want to wallow in self pity for the time being- which I SO do NOT!!  So, naturally I went all out and threw myself into an intense exercise and eating program.  I appreciate all of your suggestions after my "I'm huge" blog, but I am just not so good at the "just taking small steps"  and "make a few adjustments here and there" thing.  If I'm going to do something to try and lose weight and feel better- I've got to do something crazy.  Otherwise I will justify my way to 6 cookies, a venti latte, and a big stack of pancakes slathered in butter and dripping in syrup.  All the while calling carrying Trig around all day my "workout."

So what am I doing?  Well as far as eating goes, (ahhh... my mouth is still watering over the pancakes) I've gone crazy and cut out sugar completely.  Oh, and fake sugar...  That's right, no cookies, cake, ice cream, pancakes (oh, not the pancakes!), bread, chips, boneless Applebee's wings drenched in honey barbecue (tear...), ice-cold Coke Zero, coffee, NONE OF IT.  I will have a moment of silence for them now.......  I will miss you, sweet ones.  I am on day two and want to stab someone, so it's going pretty well.  And the workout?  For now I have made a thirty-day date with Jillian Michaels.  I hate her.  Her and her two little friends with their tight little abs and happy smiles while I can barely breathe let alone manage a grin.  And don't tell me that you "know this is so hard," Jillian.  That's just a lie.  You haven't broke a sweat and you are still able to tell me to "get down low" without a labored breath, so no, you're not struggling at all, save the comforting words.

Just when I think I've hit it on the head with the workout and eating plan, the Lord spoke to me.  Through the Word- nope.  Through a friend?  Not.  A loud audible voice?  Well, it was audible... Veggietales.  Yup, that's right, "Broccoliiiiiiiiii, celeryyyyyy, gotta beeeeeee, Veggietales!"  Sorry for putting that in your head.  (Sidenote- Brandon just sat down and is eating some snack mix... I could strangle him.)  Brynn has been watching her "God Made You Special" DVD several times lately, and there is a story on it about some little creatures called "snoodles"  (I can just feel some of you nodding- "oh, yes, the snoodles" as if it's so normal... us poor moms- what has happened to us!?).  One particular snoodle, after being created by the mysterious "creator", is in search of his purpose.  He finds out he has wings and attempts to fly- only to fall on his face and be made fun of by the other snoodles.

They also make fun of the fact he can't paint. (The snoodles like to paint.)  They decide to paint him pictures of how terrible his is at everything (nice, I know) making him feel awful.  He puts them in his backpack, each one weighing him down more than the one before.  So, naturally, he decided to follow some birds up to the top of a mountain (stay with me here people- point coming...) to find there his creator.  The creator is kind to him, and being so used to put downs his is confused.  Crying, he shows his creator the paintings.  "Dear boy, these look nothing like you.  Wait there, come see, that what you need most, is a picture from me."  He paints him a picture that shows the little snoodle in all his glory... "I know who you are, for I made you."  He tells him.  He gives him the picture to put in his pack, and wouldn't you know- the snoodle is able to fly!

I feel just like that snoodle sometimes.  Completely and utterly weighed down by what others think of me and trying to find my worth in all the wrong places.  The painting that weighs me down the most is my own of myself- it leaves me stuck and I can't even move.  I'm so hindered by what the world says I should be and look like- what I think is acceptable.  I cried the first time I watched the snoodle video (yes, people, those Veggitales are quite moving).  I cried because I could feel the Lord speaking to me.  Telling me that only His view of me matters.  His picture of me is more beautiful than one that anyone could ever paint.  "I know who you are, I made you" he whispers.  And if the snoodle wasn't enough- my verse of the day yesterday was Proverbs 31:30- "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;" (you're telling me... a year and a half ago I was slammin!  Now I look somewhat more like the Pilsbury Dough Boy...)  "but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." I pray He never stops reminding me of this.  It's all about You Lord- continue to show me who I am and who you've made me to be.  And maybe help me lose these extra pounds along the way if you would.  

My Mom

The other day Brynn woke up and wanted pancakes.  I of course obliged, being I knew I would LOVE some pancakes as well!  We started getting out the ingredients only to realize that I was almost completely out of flour.  Of course I had forgotten to put it on the list, so there was no new bag in the pantry either.  I was not looking forward to breaking the news to Brynn, and dang it, I wanted me some pancakes!  I thought about it for a minute and quickly recalled that my mom makes oat flour all the time by grinding up whole oats in a coffee grinder.  So- I went back into the pantry and got out the oatmeal, cleaned out the coffee grinder and got to work.  The pancakes turned out perfectly, and I felt pretty proud to be able to improvise.

I've known I was going to write this post for Mother's day for a little while now, and the flour situation really got me thinking.  My mom truly taught me all I needed to know and more to become a successful, thriving adult.  I don't know that I've ever told her how much she truly means to me- well, actually, I'm sure I haven't because it's rare for me to tell anyone how I truly feel about them- but she is truly amazing and possibly the most influential person in my life.  Too often she gives herself little-to-no credit for who she is, and so I will share with you who she is to me.

If anyone has ever truly accepted me for who I am, it's my mom.  I remember coming home crying from school one day.  My mom met me as I got off the bus as she sometimes did and I spilled the story to her.  I had brought something for show-and-tell that day, if my memory serves me right it was a stuffed "Barney" (yep, the big purple dinosaur), and the kids in my class made fun of me for still watching and liking it.  My little heart was broken.  My mom listened and hugged me.  I don't remember at all what she said but I know she made me feel better.  Fast forward a few years, and I came home crying again because I was being made fun of for having "developed" sooner than the other girls.  They were teasing me and saying that I "stuffed my bra" (oh, yes, remember those days!?  I actually never needed to stuff my bra...).  You know what my mom said to me?  "Well maybe you should just flash them??  That would take care of it."  Oh, mom!  You see where I get my bluntness!?

Well, I didn't flash them, but I did figure it out.  On my own.  In fact, I had some tough times in my elementary/ middle school years and I don't remember one single time where my mom got involved by calling a parent, or the school, or whomever.  Instead she was there for me.  She helped me work through things and she taught me how to problem solve.  She put up with me slamming a door in her face for several years, and screaming that I hated her way too many times.  She told me the truth I didn't want to hear over and over again, all the while watching me make mistakes she knew I would regret.  Even so she never said "I told you so" (or wait, maybe she did ;)) and was there to pick me up when I fell.

She didn't always let me go where other kids got to go, she always asked me the tough questions, she always wanted to know "are their parents going to be home?" and "are there going to be any boys there?"   I rolled my eyes at her and hated her for asking.  I hated that she made me realize that something I was about to do wasn't right.  I wanted so bad for her to just LEAVE ME ALONE!  But she never would, thank God.  I made plenty of mistakes and I can't imagine the loads more I might have made without her holding me accountable.  She tried so hard to keep me from growing up before I should, even though I ran in the opposite direction.  I never understood why she wouldn't let me shave my legs when I wanted to, or go to the movies with that boy when I was just 15.  Boy do I get it now.

She managed to be housekeeper, cook, councilor, dental assistant, massage therapist, youth group leader, sunday school teacher, and more.  She held my family together when it could have easily fallen apart, and I would even argue she saved my dad's life.  She has shown me what it truly means to be a Godly wife and is still the person I go to first if I need an ear.  I would bet she has prayed for me more than anyone else and reminds me so often of The One who will never let me down.  She's the reason I am able to be a good mom to my kids.  She taught me how to cook, how to clean the bathroom, how to wash dishes, how to scrub the floors, how to choose a good friend, how to be a good friend...

And now that I'm a mother myself, she has become not only my mother by my friend.  I trust her with my heart- and that's saying a lot from me- but the thing that humbles me to the core is that she has started to trust me with hers.  This woman who I esteem above all others believes in me.  She's proud of me and thinks I'm a worthy opinion and confidant.  I hope she knows that I can only be that because she helped make me who I am.  I can only pray that someday I can be half the woman she is.  Affect even half the lives she has and love Jesus as deeply as she does.  I am beyond thankful for my mother- on this day and always.  I love you, Mom.

Happy Mother's Day.

Thirty...

That's the number of pounds I have yet to lose after having Trig.  Save the "Leah, don't be so hard on yourself.   You just had a baby" and "It will come off, just give it some time."  Trig is almost 7 months old, so that hardly qualifies in the "just had a baby" category, and I've already given it plenty of time.  Apparently it's not going to just happen like I was hoping it would.  I am currently very sick of looking like this!  It definitely doesn't help that everyone around me having babies looks amazing about 2 weeks later... why can't that be me!??

This pregnancy actually started off with me looking great.  I was at my goal weight/size, and was even 20 or more pounds below what I weighed when I got pregnant with Brynn.  Perfect recipe for gaining less than the 50 pounds I gained with Brynn, right?  Nope.  Instead I gained more.  I'm not sure exactly how much more, because I usually decide to stop looking at the scale about half way through, but definitely more.  60, 65 pounds?  I don't know.  The point is I came home from the hospital weighing close to the same as when I arrived home with Brynn.

SO frustrating.  I was hoping I would be able to gain less and lose faster this time.  WRONG.  It took me close to a year to lose the weight I gained with Brynn.  I am on track for that or more.  Maybe like 2 years at this rate.  I'm getting to the point now where I seriously feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "geez, when is she going to lose that baby weight- she should really be back to normal by now."  I know people, I know.  I should be back to normal.  Or at least in the process!  I went for several months having 40 pounds to lose... then I went on a little loosing streak and got down to 30 pounds to lose.. and now I've been hanging out here for WAY to long.

I know it's my fault.  I haven't made any effort whatsoever.  Scratch that, I've made an effort here and there for very short periods of time, but haven't stayed with anything.  I don't work out, and I eat whatever the heck I want.  After all this girl is HUNGRY.  I'm nursing a baby and I could pretty much eat all the time.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times since I had Trig that I've actually felt full, and let's just be honest, it's hard to have some self control when you are always hungry!  Not to mention that I LOVE food (so much so that that might have to be another post entirely...).  

My husband, bless his heart, says I look just great.  I'm very thankful for that, don't get me wrong, but I so do NOT look great.  I want to vomit every time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or feel my thighs rub together, or my tight pants on my giant belly, or my double chin when I yawn too big.  DISGUSTING.  I am honestly repulsed by myself and it makes me sad.  Now I'm not saying that someone that's bigger than me is fat- all I'm saying is that this person I see in the mirror isn't me!  And relatively, she's quite a big gal.

So what am I going to do about it?  I don't know.  I want to commit to a low carb diet- which I've had a lot of success with in the past.  But I'm not committed enough for that right now.  Apparently my fatness isn't incentive enough for me to do that.  Not to mention that nursing a baby does some crazy things to my body and I'm not so sure it would be effective.  I did order myself a double jogging stroller which should be arriving this week.  Excited to be able to go for a walk with my kids because let's face it, when else am I going to get one in?

Beyond attempting to get regular about walking, I don't know what to do for now.  Stop eating everything in sight?  Perhaps.  There again though comes that hungry thing.  And God-forbid that I eat when I am hungry.  Just ask my husband who, although very understanding most of the time, almost brought me to tears when he asked me last night as I was eating some crackers and cheese, "didn't we have a really big dinner?"  Yes, honey, we did.  SHUT UP!  **sigh...**  I.  Need.  Help.  WAY more than I wanted to share.....

I'm smart; you're dumb.

Well.... I've been successful avoiding this one for long enough now. I did say last week i would post it on Tuesday... It is Tuesday I suppose, just a whole week late! It most certainly falls into the category of more of me that I want to share and so I've been trying to find a reason not to. After praying about it I instead felt even more compelled. So- here it is.

There was no mistake on the title, in case you were wondering. I have lived most of almost 25 years of life truly believing that most people I encounter are on some level of stupid. Yup. That's right. One reason I've lived a life surrounded by only a select few is because everyone else is an idiot.

She thinks what!? She's ridiculous. He did what!? He must be stupid. You're going to buy that? You want to join them? Go there? Change that? You must be an idiot. Nothing you say is worth listening to if that's what you think. I'm so glad I know better than that. I would never have made that mistake. I've got it all together.

Arrogant? Yes. Judgmental? Sure. Intolerant? Absolutely. The saddest part is that I accepted this to be "just who I am" and made little to no effort to change. I mean, it's fine to not like everyone. We can't all be friends with everybody, and I am certainly not one to fake it. But seriously, Leah?? I know. It's mean. If I've ever hated something about myself it's the fact that I think I'm so fricken smart. Then again, I can't help the way I think unless I'm shown something that makes me see otherwise!

Well I'm humbled to say that in the past year I've seen that happen. And as gracious as my sweet Lord is, he didn't choose to beat me up to do it. How then, you ask? Well, it's pretty amazing what happens when you decide to grow closer to Him. When you seek Him out and make time to learn more about His love and will for you. You start to really see things in you and your life that you need to change.

Those of you that have experienced His pruning know that it doesn't just happen in our hearts. Oh no, life keeps going on around us. We can't just lock ourselves in our rooms and pray we can get better in some area. We need to learn it while we live it! And wouldn't you know in almost every area of my world the Lord was placing some rather "stupid" people. Well- it really put a damper on my normal routine when I HAD to interact with these "idiots."

The beauty in it all? As I've grown closer to Him I've loosened my grip on those things that keep me from being complete in my purpose. It's difficult for sure, but I can say in my experience the more I stay in God's word the more naturally the change comes. I've become more like him and it feels good! People I wouldn't have given half a chance have truly earned my respect and appreciation. I've learned so many things from those people that I fear I may never have discovered. And wouldn't you know, I started to really ENJOY some new types of people!!

God was showing me that He uses all people in their unique personalities and ideas. And- here continues to be a tough one for me to swallow- I'm not as all-knowing as I think I am. Gulp. I will just drink that in again as I admit it. ... Stings a little going down, I'll be honest. But for once in my life I actually believe it. Praise Jesus for that.

I will close by saying that I've got a long way to go. My heart is certainly changing in the right direction, but there are times everyday when my judgmental thoughts creep in. I am still praying and seeking Him in this and will probably struggle on some level always. But thank you Lord, for helping to change me! After all, if He hadn't been working on this area, I would have rolled my eyes right past some of the best friends I've ever had. I pray you can learn from my pride and ask Jesus to see others through His eyes. Afterall, only His eyes can see our true hearts.

Anyone else need to hear this!?

I borrowing my entire post today from my daily "morning and evening" devotional on my "you version" bible app. (if you are looking for a bible app I highly recommend this one.). I so needed to hear this today and pray it blesses and reminds you today as well. A post of my own inspiring to come tomorrow.

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee."

Care, even though exercised upon legitimate objects, if carried to excess, has in it the nature of sin. The precept to avoid anxious care is earnestly inculcated by our Saviour, again and again; it is reiterated by the apostles; and it is one which cannot be neglected without involving transgression: for the very essence of anxious care is the imagining that we are wiser than God, and the thrusting ourselves into his place to do for him that which he has undertaken to do for us. We attempt to think of that which we fancy he will forget; we labour to take upon ourselves our weary burden, as if he were unable or unwilling to take it for us. Now this disobedience to his plain precept, this unbelief in his Word, this presumption in intruding upon his province, is all sinful. Yet more than this, anxious care often leads to acts of sin. He who cannot calmly leave his affairs in God's hand, but will carry his own burden, is very likely to be tempted to use wrong means to help himself. This sin leads to a forsaking of God as our counsellor, and resorting instead to human wisdom. This is going to the "broken cistern" instead of to the "fountain;" a sin which was laid against Israel of old. Anxiety makes us doubt God's lovingkindness, and thus our love to him grows cold; we feel mistrust, and thus grieve the Spirit of God, so that our prayers become hindered, our consistent example marred, and our life one of self-seeking. Thus want of confidence in God leads us to wander far from him; but if through simple faith in his promise, we cast each burden as it comes upon him, and are "careful for nothing" because he undertakes to care for us, it will keep us close to him, and strengthen us against much temptation. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee."

Should I stay or should I go?

Those who know me have watched me struggle with this question as it relates to teaching for quite some time. And the rest of you after reading my last post I'm sure are screaming, "go, woman, go!!! You can't handle it!!". I so wish the answer was easy for me. In a sense it is. As I sit here rocking my sweet Trig to sleep I know what needs to be done. Just in case your mental picture isn't enough I've included a real one. :).

So yes I know my decision has already been made. I'm going to quit my job and stay he with my kids next fall. On one hand it sounds perfect. I no longer have to miss anything. I can be done dragging them out of their beds ( or my bed) at the crack if dawn to take them to whomever is taking care of them for me that morning. I can quit feeling guilty for leaving them- especially my nursing mama's boy. I can perhaps keep the house in order and get the laundry done for once. (hallelujah!!). Maybe I can even manage to cook 5 meals in a row!?

All of that sounds totally amazing. Yet still I'm struggling with the thought of taking this little hiatus. Last night was the annual meeting at my school. Being part-time it was one of the only times this year that I got the pleasure of spending some time with my coworkers. I work with some really awesome people. And I work for a pretty amazing school where I have a lot of freedoms and support. I have learned so much there in the past 2 years and really feel like I'm starting to get into somewhat of a groove in my teaching. I've worked hard to build good relationships with the staff and students there. I have an awesome boss (albeit extremely unorthodox) who supports me in all my efforts and am making progress in really improving the math program. It makes me sick to think that I am giving that up. That I'm going to have to start over someday. Probably at a new school with all new people and ways of doing things. I want to continue with what I've started!! Not to mention it's nice having both Brandon and I pulling in some income. Makes it a lot easier for me to do the things I love to do. Takes a burden off of husband which is a huge deal!

But I can't do it. As you read in my last post I've got too much stuff on my list!! Something's gotta give or I'm going to keep running myself ragged doing everything half-hearted. Not giving myself fully to anything or anyone. And where do I want to put myself fully in this season? My babies. Who needs me the most right now? My babies. What decision am I guaranteed not to regret in 10 years? Without a doubt staying home with my babies.

So, home with the babies I will be. (Please hear me clearly when I say I am in no way saying that if you are a working mother with little ones you are missing the boat. Absolutely not!! I don't claim to have the right answer for you in that choice. I am speaking specifically about my own convictions here. I pray you follow wherever the Lord leads you, regardless of what others say and do.). Although I'm slightly anxious about what this next year will look like, I'm very thankful that the Lord has made this clear to me. Also, that I have a husband who is supportive in my decision and willing to take on the extra load.

Now I know those of you that know the story are saying, "wait a minute, didn't you quit your job about this time last year!? Goodness, lady, make up your mind!" Yes, yes, you are right, I did. After the same amount of prayer and searching I had decided last year about this time to stay home with Brynn and new baby. Well- that all changed when I got a call to be very part time for just 6 weeks before Trig was born. All in the Lord's plan 6 weeks turned into the whole year and what started as very part time turned into something close to half or 3/4 time. I'm not ruling out God changing my plans here, people!! ;). Just doing what I feel led to do.

So, the stay-at-home mom thing will be an interesting adjustment and will take some getting used to, but even so I'm looking forward to it. Because in all reality, it won't be long before I'm no longer the girl who makes Trigs eyes light up. And soon enough Brynn isn't going to want to be just like me anymore. So for now I will enjoy them, love them the best I can, teach them as well as I am able, and take full advantage of God's grace in my journey.

More of me than I wanted to share...

i'm not able...

I am physically incapable of doing all that I need to do in any given day.   As I write this I am sitting in the hallway of the local elementary school with Trig while Brynn is dancing her 3 year old little heart out at her dance class.  The dance class that I woke her up for 15 minutes before it started.  The 30 minute class that she was 5 minutes late for.  The class she's late for EVERY week.  (Except maybe that week when Mema brought her?).  Oh, and did I mention that I also woke up about 15 minutes before the class started?  Yup. I did.  I pretty much nap with my kids everyday.  And if for some reason I can't, I am dead by 6:30.  

I nap because I am EXHAUSTED.  Well, to be honest I should admit that I may or may not nap even if I am not exhausted.  Anyone that knows me is already thinking that anyway...  But back to the point- this momma is tired!!  I've got way too much on my plate.  I wake up at the crack of dawn (now yes, the sunrises are amazing, but this is SO hard for me!) and feed my 5 month old, then I pump so that he has something to eat while I am at work.  I get ready (not in the real sense of the phrase..minimal makeup, hair in a pony, one of 5 outfits that fits me..)work from 7:30-11:00 every morning, then I pick up my kids wherever they happen to be that day and instantly enter into mommy mode.  

Feeding the baby, feeding the hungry 3 year old, feeding the hungry 27 year old :).  Trying to make sure the house is clean and the laundry is done- or maybe not done, because that is just a pipe dream in my house, but done enough so everyone has clean clothes to wear.  Oh and my baby wants to be held about 85% of the time, and Brynn is begging for my attention about 80% of the time, and I have to make sure the dog gets let out to pee at some point, oh and better make sure the kids get bathed once in a while, and for goodness sake I am hard-pressed to shower twice a week!  Gotta make sure I find some time to do my school work since my time as a part time teacher does not include a prep, yeah, that will probably just happen in the 3 minutes before my class starts every morning (pretty quality lesson being prepared!).  Pay bills.  Be with friends. Love on my kids.  Love on my husband.  Spend time with the Lord(!!) 

Yikes.  I'm exhausted just writing that all down!  Maybe your list is miles longer and you think I'm a whiner (perhaps), maybe it's shorter and you think I'm a saint (I assure you I'm not), but either way we never have enough time and energy do we?  Honestly though, the physical impossibility is the least of my problem.  Yeah, it's frustrating for sure.  But it is what it is.  The laundry is sometimes (always) piled up.  And sometimes the kids (and hubby) only get fed because they whine.  Nothing real detramental here, besides the fact that I let these things get to me, they really don't make a huge difference..

The thing I can't handle is emotional stuff.  I am so not able to handle all that is on my heart currently.   I've wanted to be a mom and a teacher for as far back as I can remember.  I remember playing school and babies as a little girl over and over.  I've seen the Lord lead me into both and am positive I'm supposed to do them.  (Besides, we can't really change our mind on the mom thing!?)  Evenso, they are my two biggest challenges (save my marriage, but that's for another post! ;))!  As of late, my job has really been burdening me...

I know how to teach middle and high school math concepts.  Not a problem.  What I'm struggling with is the fact that I can't get my students to put the work in to learn the concepts!!  I leave my job most days feeling utterly defeated.  I just can't seem to teach in a way that motivates them to want to know the material.  I have a hard time being excited about my job and feeling like it's worth leaving my family everyday when I feel like I'm not even doing it well.  I start to ask myself, "Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing?  Am I even equipped to do this?"  As stated before, I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing for a career, but I just wish it wasn't so up and down!  

Part of the reason I'm not reaching some of my students is that I don't have enough time to put into my planning.  Now let me tell you, I pride myself on the fact that I can stand up and teach with little to know preparation at all, and in all reality and I can teach a very good lesson this way.  But it kills me to know that i could be doing more.  I could have better relationships with my students.  I could keep more meticulous track of their individual progress.  I could come up with more resources for those that need extra help.  I could be SO much better!!   

And when I get to this point in the "I'm going to be a better math teacher" convictions I remember that I also have two kids of my own...  They could care less about me being a better teacher and they want my attention when I'm home with them!  I can't just sit on my computer and search for activities, or correct papers, or organize lessons, I have to play princess for goodness sake!  And princess I will play.  Because they are my #1 priority.  I can never get back this time of being with them.  Teaching them how to be people- Lord help me!  I'm continually plauged by the idea that I may not do a good enough job.  So my 7th graders don't learn how to solve an equation this year- eh!?  Not really life or death issues there... But what if Brynn doesn't know how to be a good friend?  What if I fail to teach her to be kind?  What if I don't help her to know the amazing love of her sweet Lord!?  What if I ruin her life!!??  

Ok, slightly dramatic on that last one... but seriously.  I'm not able.  I can't sucessfully do anything I've been called to do.  Not on my own that is.  This is where I can either give up, or pray hard, and Lord Jesus, I'm praying!  Please help me.  I know you've called me into these places where only you can help me to succeed.  I need you.  More than I'd like to admit.  I know I walk around pretending I have it all together, but I SO DO NOT.  Give me the strength and the WISDOM to fulfill my callings.  And when I fail, because I do-everyday, please help me get back on track.  Not in my own strength, but yours.  


*sigh*.... more than I wanted to share...

so why share??

My heart.  That's the more of me that I don't want to share.  In truth, pretty much anything remotely personal about myself and my struggles.  I don't want to share them.  With anyone really.  My friends, my family, even my own husband.  Why you ask?  I wish I knew.  In first realizing my flaw my initial question became, "what the heck is wrong with me??!". So far I haven't figured out the answer.  And through a long process of prayer and reflection I've come to a place where I'm not sure I need an answer.  All I know is that the Lord has called me out and I cannot remain the same.  If I don't share my experiences, how will I ever be a help to anyone?  Isn't ministry what it's all about, anyway?   

So... A blog!? I know, slightly ridiculous for someone who doesn't want to share with anyone to suddenly poor out my heart for anyone and everyone.  Honestly just thinking about doing this makes me want to vomit all over my iPad as I type this.  Even so, if there is one thing the Lord is teaching me, it's that it's not doing things that are comfortable that brings us peace, but being obedient to his will.

 

Yikes.. that last sentence was a tough one to swallow for me.  Peace comes from obedience?  Really!??  Obedience never feels good, does it!?  Well, maybe not, and I am no expert on this, in fact please understand I don't claim to have mastered ANY of what I'm going to share with you from this point on.  I can only offer you my experience- and my experience is that peace comes after I decide to obey on something the Lord has laid before me.  I would even go so far as to say that the converse is also true- if I am at war inside, it is in all likelihood a direct consequence of my disobedience to Christ in some area or another.  Think I'm crazy?  I'm not ruling that out.  Atleast check it out for yourself.  See if my convictions hold any water.  Where are you not at peace?  Have you obeyed the Lord in that area?  If none of your life is at peace, have you given your life to Him?   

All that being said, here I am, as terrified as it makes me feel, deciding to obey.  He has been changing me and preparing me for this for some time now, and it's time to jump in.  Head first.  Life jacket free.  I'm committing to sharing myself with you.  Real.  Raw.  All too vulnerable.  However the Lord leads.  Only so that He may use me.  I hope to encourage you, challenge you,  and bless you.  Hopefully make you laugh a time or two, and certainly make you feel better about yourself in my honesty about my own craziness.  So decide to read or don't as I offer you almost certainly more than you wanted to know... And without a doubt more of me than I want to share.