My car ride home with Brynn today was entirely too precious not to share with you.
It started with a conversation about her not being very kind today at Grandma Channa's house.
And how I was less than impressed... she replied with something like,
"Well, those boys weren't really being very kind to me today..."
So we talked about how kindness is not conditional on the other person. And how we are supposed to be like Jesus, even when others are not, blah blah.... then she says,
"Well, I am going to bring this Jesus book next time and tell those boys all about Jesus and how he wants us to be kind, and that's what they should do because that's what God says."
"Well, yes, Brynn, that is what God says, but you telling them that isn't likely to make them kind. You need to show them how to be kind. With your actions. Don't just tell them about it be a good example of it. And even so not everyone is kind, that is our choice to be kind or not."
And then started the real genius....
"Yeah, mom, like Gaston. He was not kind. We should be like Belle instead..." (this is a direct reference to Disney's Beauty and the Beast, just in case you've been living in a hole for your whole life.)
"Yes, Brynn, you're exactly right, we should be like Belle. She was kind to the beast even though he was unkind at first, and ugly. She saw through to his heart and loved him. But, not everyone is kind like Belle."
And just when I thought we were done with Preschool life lesson 101, she digs in a little deeper...
"Yeah, mom, we just have to feel that flutter in our hearts. That's what it feels like when God talks to us and tells us what the right thing to do is. Don't those boys have a flutter in their hearts?"
Well, for heaven's sake, now I am being schooled by the 4-year-old. And it doesn't stop here folks.
"Yes, Brynn, I think God makes everyone's heart flutter, but he also gives us the choice to ignore it. And sometimes people do."
"Yeah, and sometimes we are just too loud, and and so we can't hear it."
My goodness I'm glad I left the music off today... I am driving and desperately trying to store these little bits of wisdom from Brynn in my memory so I can write them down. She went on to start talking about Easter. (If you think that's random, let me just tell you that she has been talking about Easter for weeks now. Wishing people "Happy Easter" and just going on and on like it's Easter season. In fact, today she asked me why Grandma Channa still had a bunny hanging up, because Easter is over. I have no idea what this is about. She's been celebrating for weeks and we should all just have celebrated and been done with it. I reminded her that Easter isn't until Sunday, so it's still okay. Oh, and she's 4. So random is kind of part of the game.) She talked about opening Easter baskets and eggs and that, while telling people about God and that "Jesus is risen," like any good AmeriChristian would.
So, I gently remind her that Easter is actually about Jesus. Period. He sacrificed himself for us, and reminds us that we should sacrifice ourselves for others. And then He rose from the dead and conquered death so we could too. Our culture has made it into a holiday about bunnies and eggs, and those things are good and fun, but not the point.
"Well, you know what I think Easter is about? I think it's about His power. And that He saved us! That's what I think it's about."
Yes, yes Brynn you are right. As usual. Our conversation then drifted for a bit, and then somehow we ended up at,
"Mom, can we ask Jesus to live in other people's hearts too, and then He will?"
My eyes are welling with tears again as I write this. Through tears I told her,
"No, Brynn, unfortunately that's not the way it works. I wish it did, but it doesn't."
Oh, I so wish it did. She asked me why not, and I told her about choices and that everyone gets to make their own. Good 'ole Free Will. She kept pressing, "But, why?"... I tried to explain 3 different ways. Stumbling and mostly saying the same exact thing 3 times. She finally accepted.
"Yeah, Mom, I wish it was that way too."
She has spent her time since we got home from our deeply theological drive making cards for people. She's said to me three times,
"Mom, I just feel so bad for myself..... I just hope Grandma Marge doesn't have to miss Easter because she isn't feeling good." (Note to self.. explain what it means to "feel bad for myself")
She has made several cards, with candy taped to them, for Grandma Marge because she is sure she will be devastated if she misses Easter and will need some cheering up. She's also been asking questions about if she can get places in her wheel chair, because she surely shouldn't be stuck.
God speaks to me through many kinds of media and people, and I know it shouldn't surprise me that he should use my 4-year-old, but it does. Every time. There are times when I wonder if I am doing a good enough job at being Jesus to her, you know, so she might actually know Him, and not just know about Him. And then my gracious God gives me afternoons like this. Where He not only assures me that she's getting it, but shows me that I might just have a few things to learn from her. Something about faith like I child, I think?
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
From a Tired Mom
I have spent this week knee-deep in vomit and diarrhea. You could barf all over me right now and I would barely notice. I would just get up and clean myself off like a robot. I've cleaned poop off of my couches twice this week, vomit from several other places including my own bed, washed everyone's bedding, scrubbed toilets, floors, and done countless loads of laundry (none of which were of the 12 loads I actually needed to do...). I did most of this deep cleaning last night when Brandon took the kids fishing for a couple hours. I wanted so badly to just sit and do nothing, just take a break for myself. But, I knew I'd feel SO much better to clean up the crap- unfortunately no pun intended.
I finished cleaning about 3 minutes before Brandon and the kids got home and jumped in for a much-needed shower. After all the laundry that I'd done that day and hot water ran to scrub floors, etc, I knew we were running low on hot water, and the kids and Brandon still needed to bathe, so I was speed showering.. 3 minutes in I hear screaming and crying greeting me... Brynn walks in the bathroom with her boots on in extra-dramatic fashion because she can't get them off. I cringe at the thought of fish guts and worm juice all over my freshly vacuumed and scrubbed floors.
I manage to finish my shower, complete with a cold self-sacrificing rinse and head in to clean the kids. I got everyone in bed in hopes of some "alone time" with Brandon- if you catch my drift. This kind of stuff flows very obviously from a week of kid vomit and cold showers, I know, but for some reason I just couldn't quite get in that "mood." I instead fell into some mess of reflecting on my not-quite-what-I-hoped-for life in the midst of some heartburn caused by eating my dinner at 8:45 because I was too busy cleaning and putting kids to bed to break for it at a normal time.
I know I was being dramatic. But being stuck in the house with sick kids for a few days will do that to you. Heck, being a mom period will do that to you. Although we all love our kids more than our own limbs, I'd bet if you call yourself "mom" you've had a least one day where you asked yourself why you decided to reproduce. If you're not willing to admit that, it's cool. I'm just a real gal- so I'll tell ya the though crosses my mind at least once a day. This job is hard. And quite frankly, that's not an easy thing for me to admit.
Of course I wouldn't trade my kids for any other life I had imagined for myself, even though I'm sure those choices would have been easier, but today I am struggling. After that detoxifying cleanse last night, Brynn ralphed up her breakfast all over my kitchen rug this morning. I considered just ending it right there. Maybe taking up a cocktail habit- I'm sure it was 5 somewhere... Brandon had to plow today (less-depressing side note: so thankful for the snow and work) so I was home alone dealing with the vomit and more diarrhea today. I thought we were done with this. She hadn't puked in 3 days and was getting better and now another day of THIS. Ugghhhhh..............
So for all you mommys and mommys-to-be, just know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I think we are convinced we'll get an award if we act like this job is easy for us, and make sure we don't share when we're about to loose it (or when we have indeed lost it). I promise you, momma, there is no cookie or trophy for this. And the only thing you might accomplish by sharing with someone is feeling better about where you're at (and I do, thanks for reading this), and maybe encouraging someone else along the way. Jesus had something to say to us...
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show the same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." Hebrews 6:10-12
Now I've got myself a Bethel education, but I am not a bible scholar. I know this is out of context, but I do believe the Lord spoke this verse over me today. You'd better believe that your work for the Lord has everything to do with loving those babies of yours. And, oh does it take some diligence. Let's not get lazy, but encourage each other, and humbly gain some wisdom from those who've already served their sentence in baby prison. The Lord has a sweet inheritance for you, sister. And for me. By his sweet power and grace, may we raise our kids to know his perfect, self-sacrificing love. You and I know all too well they see it first from their mommies.
I finished cleaning about 3 minutes before Brandon and the kids got home and jumped in for a much-needed shower. After all the laundry that I'd done that day and hot water ran to scrub floors, etc, I knew we were running low on hot water, and the kids and Brandon still needed to bathe, so I was speed showering.. 3 minutes in I hear screaming and crying greeting me... Brynn walks in the bathroom with her boots on in extra-dramatic fashion because she can't get them off. I cringe at the thought of fish guts and worm juice all over my freshly vacuumed and scrubbed floors.
I manage to finish my shower, complete with a cold self-sacrificing rinse and head in to clean the kids. I got everyone in bed in hopes of some "alone time" with Brandon- if you catch my drift. This kind of stuff flows very obviously from a week of kid vomit and cold showers, I know, but for some reason I just couldn't quite get in that "mood." I instead fell into some mess of reflecting on my not-quite-what-I-hoped-for life in the midst of some heartburn caused by eating my dinner at 8:45 because I was too busy cleaning and putting kids to bed to break for it at a normal time.
I know I was being dramatic. But being stuck in the house with sick kids for a few days will do that to you. Heck, being a mom period will do that to you. Although we all love our kids more than our own limbs, I'd bet if you call yourself "mom" you've had a least one day where you asked yourself why you decided to reproduce. If you're not willing to admit that, it's cool. I'm just a real gal- so I'll tell ya the though crosses my mind at least once a day. This job is hard. And quite frankly, that's not an easy thing for me to admit.
Of course I wouldn't trade my kids for any other life I had imagined for myself, even though I'm sure those choices would have been easier, but today I am struggling. After that detoxifying cleanse last night, Brynn ralphed up her breakfast all over my kitchen rug this morning. I considered just ending it right there. Maybe taking up a cocktail habit- I'm sure it was 5 somewhere... Brandon had to plow today (less-depressing side note: so thankful for the snow and work) so I was home alone dealing with the vomit and more diarrhea today. I thought we were done with this. She hadn't puked in 3 days and was getting better and now another day of THIS. Ugghhhhh..............
So for all you mommys and mommys-to-be, just know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I think we are convinced we'll get an award if we act like this job is easy for us, and make sure we don't share when we're about to loose it (or when we have indeed lost it). I promise you, momma, there is no cookie or trophy for this. And the only thing you might accomplish by sharing with someone is feeling better about where you're at (and I do, thanks for reading this), and maybe encouraging someone else along the way. Jesus had something to say to us...
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show the same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." Hebrews 6:10-12
Now I've got myself a Bethel education, but I am not a bible scholar. I know this is out of context, but I do believe the Lord spoke this verse over me today. You'd better believe that your work for the Lord has everything to do with loving those babies of yours. And, oh does it take some diligence. Let's not get lazy, but encourage each other, and humbly gain some wisdom from those who've already served their sentence in baby prison. The Lord has a sweet inheritance for you, sister. And for me. By his sweet power and grace, may we raise our kids to know his perfect, self-sacrificing love. You and I know all too well they see it first from their mommies.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Dinner and Disappointment
We went out to dinner last night with my parents. (Contain your jealousy, this is an exciting Friday night for me. I have arrived.) Mexi-style dinner in good 'old Litchfield with the kids in toe. As we waited for our meal, my mom saw someone she knew and she stopped at our table to chat. Said "hi" to Trig, said the kids were cute, blah blah, sat back down. Life went on. Then Brynn, looking pretty bummed, leans over the table and whispers to me, "Mom, why didn't she say hi to me??" "Brynn, it's no big deal, she was just talking with Mema." "But, Mom, she said hi to Triggy and not me..." I was caught off guard. I told her it wasn't intentional, she didn't mean anything by it, Trig was just closer to her in proximity. Not the end of the world.
Then as I watched her slump in her chair, reality hit me again. This is just one of many left-out feelings she will have in this life. Just one of hundreds of times she's going to feel inferior. Unwanted. Not good enough. It bothered me. It bothered me more than it should have. Not at all that the woman didn't say hi to her, I know it meant nothing and of course she wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad, it bothered me that it hurt Brynn so much. I thought to myself- Is that all it takes for her to be crushed? Doesn't she have more self-confidence than that? I know, people, she's only an almost-four-year old. I'm not trying to be ridiculous here. But it really make me think about what I'm teaching her.
Am I showing her how to be confident? How to have good self-worth? Will she know who she is and how to let things go instead of taking it all to heart? I don't know. I think being a mother automatically comes with feelings of uncertainty about our kids turning out alright. I mean, deep down we're all wondering if we're doing even one thing right in raising them. You don't have to admit it, but today I will. This job comes with no instruction manual, and even if it did, all kids are different. So how do I know she's gonna be alright?
And then the truth comes like a smack in the face- I don't. I have no way of guaranteeing she's going to know how to deal with life's crappy parts. With failure, and disappointment, and loss, and change, and relationships. I mean- yeah I'm gonna do my best to teach her what I know, but Lord knows I don't have it all together either, so I sorta feel like she's crippled from the start. (Sorry, Brynn.) So what the heck do we mommas do then!? Hope for the best? Sure. But let's be practical here. What can I do today to make sure she knows how to deal?
I couldn't quit thinking about it the rest of the dinner. Brynn was not herself at all. She came over to me and laid her head on my shoulder for most of the time. She said "I want to go home" several times- and if you know Brynn, she's maybe said that 3 times in her whole life. She NEVER wants to go home. I have no idea what was wrong. It may have been her feelings were broken, but that seems unlikely. Either way I hated that she was distraught. I held her and stroked her hair. I kissed her and told her I loved her. And I prayed for her. I remembered all the times I had feelings of sadness over what others thought of me (or at least what I thought they were thinking about me..) and I felt for her. I
It was somewhere in that time that I said silently to Jesus, "I just want her to find her worth in you. I want her to know who she is in your eyes, and I want that to dominate any other image being projected on her by another." Lord, please help me to live this for her. Help me to find my worth in you. Help me to always remind her who loves her more than anyone else, and who's always there for her.
On the way home I think I asked Brynn 17 times "Is everything okay, Brynn? Is something bothering you? If you're feeling sad, you can tell me why..." "MOM- I'm FINE!" "Ok, but you know you can tell me anything, right? I'll always be here to listen to you." "But, Mom, what if you're not?" "Well, Brynn, remember Jesus is always there, and he hears you." Please, Lord, hear her. And speak to her in your still small voice. (And now you are all thinking I'm an over-analytical insane person... I promise not all dinners are this intense for me.)
Then as I watched her slump in her chair, reality hit me again. This is just one of many left-out feelings she will have in this life. Just one of hundreds of times she's going to feel inferior. Unwanted. Not good enough. It bothered me. It bothered me more than it should have. Not at all that the woman didn't say hi to her, I know it meant nothing and of course she wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad, it bothered me that it hurt Brynn so much. I thought to myself- Is that all it takes for her to be crushed? Doesn't she have more self-confidence than that? I know, people, she's only an almost-four-year old. I'm not trying to be ridiculous here. But it really make me think about what I'm teaching her.
Am I showing her how to be confident? How to have good self-worth? Will she know who she is and how to let things go instead of taking it all to heart? I don't know. I think being a mother automatically comes with feelings of uncertainty about our kids turning out alright. I mean, deep down we're all wondering if we're doing even one thing right in raising them. You don't have to admit it, but today I will. This job comes with no instruction manual, and even if it did, all kids are different. So how do I know she's gonna be alright?
And then the truth comes like a smack in the face- I don't. I have no way of guaranteeing she's going to know how to deal with life's crappy parts. With failure, and disappointment, and loss, and change, and relationships. I mean- yeah I'm gonna do my best to teach her what I know, but Lord knows I don't have it all together either, so I sorta feel like she's crippled from the start. (Sorry, Brynn.) So what the heck do we mommas do then!? Hope for the best? Sure. But let's be practical here. What can I do today to make sure she knows how to deal?
I couldn't quit thinking about it the rest of the dinner. Brynn was not herself at all. She came over to me and laid her head on my shoulder for most of the time. She said "I want to go home" several times- and if you know Brynn, she's maybe said that 3 times in her whole life. She NEVER wants to go home. I have no idea what was wrong. It may have been her feelings were broken, but that seems unlikely. Either way I hated that she was distraught. I held her and stroked her hair. I kissed her and told her I loved her. And I prayed for her. I remembered all the times I had feelings of sadness over what others thought of me (or at least what I thought they were thinking about me..) and I felt for her. I
It was somewhere in that time that I said silently to Jesus, "I just want her to find her worth in you. I want her to know who she is in your eyes, and I want that to dominate any other image being projected on her by another." Lord, please help me to live this for her. Help me to find my worth in you. Help me to always remind her who loves her more than anyone else, and who's always there for her.
On the way home I think I asked Brynn 17 times "Is everything okay, Brynn? Is something bothering you? If you're feeling sad, you can tell me why..." "MOM- I'm FINE!" "Ok, but you know you can tell me anything, right? I'll always be here to listen to you." "But, Mom, what if you're not?" "Well, Brynn, remember Jesus is always there, and he hears you." Please, Lord, hear her. And speak to her in your still small voice. (And now you are all thinking I'm an over-analytical insane person... I promise not all dinners are this intense for me.)
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