Well.... I've been successful avoiding this one for long enough now. I did say last week i would post it on Tuesday... It is Tuesday I suppose, just a whole week late! It most certainly falls into the category of more of me that I want to share and so I've been trying to find a reason not to. After praying about it I instead felt even more compelled. So- here it is.
There was no mistake on the title, in case you were wondering. I have lived most of almost 25 years of life truly believing that most people I encounter are on some level of stupid. Yup. That's right. One reason I've lived a life surrounded by only a select few is because everyone else is an idiot.
She thinks what!? She's ridiculous. He did what!? He must be stupid. You're going to buy that? You want to join them? Go there? Change that? You must be an idiot. Nothing you say is worth listening to if that's what you think. I'm so glad I know better than that. I would never have made that mistake. I've got it all together.
Arrogant? Yes. Judgmental? Sure. Intolerant? Absolutely. The saddest part is that I accepted this to be "just who I am" and made little to no effort to change. I mean, it's fine to not like everyone. We can't all be friends with everybody, and I am certainly not one to fake it. But seriously, Leah?? I know. It's mean. If I've ever hated something about myself it's the fact that I think I'm so fricken smart. Then again, I can't help the way I think unless I'm shown something that makes me see otherwise!
Well I'm humbled to say that in the past year I've seen that happen. And as gracious as my sweet Lord is, he didn't choose to beat me up to do it. How then, you ask? Well, it's pretty amazing what happens when you decide to grow closer to Him. When you seek Him out and make time to learn more about His love and will for you. You start to really see things in you and your life that you need to change.
Those of you that have experienced His pruning know that it doesn't just happen in our hearts. Oh no, life keeps going on around us. We can't just lock ourselves in our rooms and pray we can get better in some area. We need to learn it while we live it! And wouldn't you know in almost every area of my world the Lord was placing some rather "stupid" people. Well- it really put a damper on my normal routine when I HAD to interact with these "idiots."
The beauty in it all? As I've grown closer to Him I've loosened my grip on those things that keep me from being complete in my purpose. It's difficult for sure, but I can say in my experience the more I stay in God's word the more naturally the change comes. I've become more like him and it feels good! People I wouldn't have given half a chance have truly earned my respect and appreciation. I've learned so many things from those people that I fear I may never have discovered. And wouldn't you know, I started to really ENJOY some new types of people!!
God was showing me that He uses all people in their unique personalities and ideas. And- here continues to be a tough one for me to swallow- I'm not as all-knowing as I think I am. Gulp. I will just drink that in again as I admit it. ... Stings a little going down, I'll be honest. But for once in my life I actually believe it. Praise Jesus for that.
I will close by saying that I've got a long way to go. My heart is certainly changing in the right direction, but there are times everyday when my judgmental thoughts creep in. I am still praying and seeking Him in this and will probably struggle on some level always. But thank you Lord, for helping to change me! After all, if He hadn't been working on this area, I would have rolled my eyes right past some of the best friends I've ever had. I pray you can learn from my pride and ask Jesus to see others through His eyes. Afterall, only His eyes can see our true hearts.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Anyone else need to hear this!?
I borrowing my entire post today from my daily "morning and evening" devotional on my "you version" bible app. (if you are looking for a bible app I highly recommend this one.). I so needed to hear this today and pray it blesses and reminds you today as well. A post of my own inspiring to come tomorrow.
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee."
Care, even though exercised upon legitimate objects, if carried to excess, has in it the nature of sin. The precept to avoid anxious care is earnestly inculcated by our Saviour, again and again; it is reiterated by the apostles; and it is one which cannot be neglected without involving transgression: for the very essence of anxious care is the imagining that we are wiser than God, and the thrusting ourselves into his place to do for him that which he has undertaken to do for us. We attempt to think of that which we fancy he will forget; we labour to take upon ourselves our weary burden, as if he were unable or unwilling to take it for us. Now this disobedience to his plain precept, this unbelief in his Word, this presumption in intruding upon his province, is all sinful. Yet more than this, anxious care often leads to acts of sin. He who cannot calmly leave his affairs in God's hand, but will carry his own burden, is very likely to be tempted to use wrong means to help himself. This sin leads to a forsaking of God as our counsellor, and resorting instead to human wisdom. This is going to the "broken cistern" instead of to the "fountain;" a sin which was laid against Israel of old. Anxiety makes us doubt God's lovingkindness, and thus our love to him grows cold; we feel mistrust, and thus grieve the Spirit of God, so that our prayers become hindered, our consistent example marred, and our life one of self-seeking. Thus want of confidence in God leads us to wander far from him; but if through simple faith in his promise, we cast each burden as it comes upon him, and are "careful for nothing" because he undertakes to care for us, it will keep us close to him, and strengthen us against much temptation. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee."
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee."
Care, even though exercised upon legitimate objects, if carried to excess, has in it the nature of sin. The precept to avoid anxious care is earnestly inculcated by our Saviour, again and again; it is reiterated by the apostles; and it is one which cannot be neglected without involving transgression: for the very essence of anxious care is the imagining that we are wiser than God, and the thrusting ourselves into his place to do for him that which he has undertaken to do for us. We attempt to think of that which we fancy he will forget; we labour to take upon ourselves our weary burden, as if he were unable or unwilling to take it for us. Now this disobedience to his plain precept, this unbelief in his Word, this presumption in intruding upon his province, is all sinful. Yet more than this, anxious care often leads to acts of sin. He who cannot calmly leave his affairs in God's hand, but will carry his own burden, is very likely to be tempted to use wrong means to help himself. This sin leads to a forsaking of God as our counsellor, and resorting instead to human wisdom. This is going to the "broken cistern" instead of to the "fountain;" a sin which was laid against Israel of old. Anxiety makes us doubt God's lovingkindness, and thus our love to him grows cold; we feel mistrust, and thus grieve the Spirit of God, so that our prayers become hindered, our consistent example marred, and our life one of self-seeking. Thus want of confidence in God leads us to wander far from him; but if through simple faith in his promise, we cast each burden as it comes upon him, and are "careful for nothing" because he undertakes to care for us, it will keep us close to him, and strengthen us against much temptation. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee."
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Should I stay or should I go?
Those who know me have watched me struggle with this question as it relates to teaching for quite some time. And the rest of you after reading my last post I'm sure are screaming, "go, woman, go!!! You can't handle it!!". I so wish the answer was easy for me. In a sense it is. As I sit here rocking my sweet Trig to sleep I know what needs to be done. Just in case your mental picture isn't enough I've included a real one. :).
So yes I know my decision has already been made. I'm going to quit my job and stay he with my kids next fall. On one hand it sounds perfect. I no longer have to miss anything. I can be done dragging them out of their beds ( or my bed) at the crack if dawn to take them to whomever is taking care of them for me that morning. I can quit feeling guilty for leaving them- especially my nursing mama's boy. I can perhaps keep the house in order and get the laundry done for once. (hallelujah!!). Maybe I can even manage to cook 5 meals in a row!?
All of that sounds totally amazing. Yet still I'm struggling with the thought of taking this little hiatus. Last night was the annual meeting at my school. Being part-time it was one of the only times this year that I got the pleasure of spending some time with my coworkers. I work with some really awesome people. And I work for a pretty amazing school where I have a lot of freedoms and support. I have learned so much there in the past 2 years and really feel like I'm starting to get into somewhat of a groove in my teaching. I've worked hard to build good relationships with the staff and students there. I have an awesome boss (albeit extremely unorthodox) who supports me in all my efforts and am making progress in really improving the math program. It makes me sick to think that I am giving that up. That I'm going to have to start over someday. Probably at a new school with all new people and ways of doing things. I want to continue with what I've started!! Not to mention it's nice having both Brandon and I pulling in some income. Makes it a lot easier for me to do the things I love to do. Takes a burden off of husband which is a huge deal!
But I can't do it. As you read in my last post I've got too much stuff on my list!! Something's gotta give or I'm going to keep running myself ragged doing everything half-hearted. Not giving myself fully to anything or anyone. And where do I want to put myself fully in this season? My babies. Who needs me the most right now? My babies. What decision am I guaranteed not to regret in 10 years? Without a doubt staying home with my babies.
So, home with the babies I will be. (Please hear me clearly when I say I am in no way saying that if you are a working mother with little ones you are missing the boat. Absolutely not!! I don't claim to have the right answer for you in that choice. I am speaking specifically about my own convictions here. I pray you follow wherever the Lord leads you, regardless of what others say and do.). Although I'm slightly anxious about what this next year will look like, I'm very thankful that the Lord has made this clear to me. Also, that I have a husband who is supportive in my decision and willing to take on the extra load.
Now I know those of you that know the story are saying, "wait a minute, didn't you quit your job about this time last year!? Goodness, lady, make up your mind!" Yes, yes, you are right, I did. After the same amount of prayer and searching I had decided last year about this time to stay home with Brynn and new baby. Well- that all changed when I got a call to be very part time for just 6 weeks before Trig was born. All in the Lord's plan 6 weeks turned into the whole year and what started as very part time turned into something close to half or 3/4 time. I'm not ruling out God changing my plans here, people!! ;). Just doing what I feel led to do.
So, the stay-at-home mom thing will be an interesting adjustment and will take some getting used to, but even so I'm looking forward to it. Because in all reality, it won't be long before I'm no longer the girl who makes Trigs eyes light up. And soon enough Brynn isn't going to want to be just like me anymore. So for now I will enjoy them, love them the best I can, teach them as well as I am able, and take full advantage of God's grace in my journey.
More of me than I wanted to share...
So yes I know my decision has already been made. I'm going to quit my job and stay he with my kids next fall. On one hand it sounds perfect. I no longer have to miss anything. I can be done dragging them out of their beds ( or my bed) at the crack if dawn to take them to whomever is taking care of them for me that morning. I can quit feeling guilty for leaving them- especially my nursing mama's boy. I can perhaps keep the house in order and get the laundry done for once. (hallelujah!!). Maybe I can even manage to cook 5 meals in a row!?
All of that sounds totally amazing. Yet still I'm struggling with the thought of taking this little hiatus. Last night was the annual meeting at my school. Being part-time it was one of the only times this year that I got the pleasure of spending some time with my coworkers. I work with some really awesome people. And I work for a pretty amazing school where I have a lot of freedoms and support. I have learned so much there in the past 2 years and really feel like I'm starting to get into somewhat of a groove in my teaching. I've worked hard to build good relationships with the staff and students there. I have an awesome boss (albeit extremely unorthodox) who supports me in all my efforts and am making progress in really improving the math program. It makes me sick to think that I am giving that up. That I'm going to have to start over someday. Probably at a new school with all new people and ways of doing things. I want to continue with what I've started!! Not to mention it's nice having both Brandon and I pulling in some income. Makes it a lot easier for me to do the things I love to do. Takes a burden off of husband which is a huge deal!
But I can't do it. As you read in my last post I've got too much stuff on my list!! Something's gotta give or I'm going to keep running myself ragged doing everything half-hearted. Not giving myself fully to anything or anyone. And where do I want to put myself fully in this season? My babies. Who needs me the most right now? My babies. What decision am I guaranteed not to regret in 10 years? Without a doubt staying home with my babies.
So, home with the babies I will be. (Please hear me clearly when I say I am in no way saying that if you are a working mother with little ones you are missing the boat. Absolutely not!! I don't claim to have the right answer for you in that choice. I am speaking specifically about my own convictions here. I pray you follow wherever the Lord leads you, regardless of what others say and do.). Although I'm slightly anxious about what this next year will look like, I'm very thankful that the Lord has made this clear to me. Also, that I have a husband who is supportive in my decision and willing to take on the extra load.
Now I know those of you that know the story are saying, "wait a minute, didn't you quit your job about this time last year!? Goodness, lady, make up your mind!" Yes, yes, you are right, I did. After the same amount of prayer and searching I had decided last year about this time to stay home with Brynn and new baby. Well- that all changed when I got a call to be very part time for just 6 weeks before Trig was born. All in the Lord's plan 6 weeks turned into the whole year and what started as very part time turned into something close to half or 3/4 time. I'm not ruling out God changing my plans here, people!! ;). Just doing what I feel led to do.
So, the stay-at-home mom thing will be an interesting adjustment and will take some getting used to, but even so I'm looking forward to it. Because in all reality, it won't be long before I'm no longer the girl who makes Trigs eyes light up. And soon enough Brynn isn't going to want to be just like me anymore. So for now I will enjoy them, love them the best I can, teach them as well as I am able, and take full advantage of God's grace in my journey.
More of me than I wanted to share...
Friday, April 13, 2012
i'm not able...
I am physically incapable of doing all that I need to do in any given day. As I write this I am sitting in the hallway of the local elementary school with Trig while Brynn is dancing her 3 year old little heart out at her dance class. The dance class that I woke her up for 15 minutes before it started. The 30 minute class that she was 5 minutes late for. The class she's late for EVERY week. (Except maybe that week when Mema brought her?). Oh, and did I mention that I also woke up about 15 minutes before the class started? Yup. I did. I pretty much nap with my kids everyday. And if for some reason I can't, I am dead by 6:30.
I nap because I am EXHAUSTED. Well, to be honest I should admit that I may or may not nap even if I am not exhausted. Anyone that knows me is already thinking that anyway... But back to the point- this momma is tired!! I've got way too much on my plate. I wake up at the crack of dawn (now yes, the sunrises are amazing, but this is SO hard for me!) and feed my 5 month old, then I pump so that he has something to eat while I am at work. I get ready (not in the real sense of the phrase..minimal makeup, hair in a pony, one of 5 outfits that fits me..)work from 7:30-11:00 every morning, then I pick up my kids wherever they happen to be that day and instantly enter into mommy mode.
Feeding the baby, feeding the hungry 3 year old, feeding the hungry 27 year old :). Trying to make sure the house is clean and the laundry is done- or maybe not done, because that is just a pipe dream in my house, but done enough so everyone has clean clothes to wear. Oh and my baby wants to be held about 85% of the time, and Brynn is begging for my attention about 80% of the time, and I have to make sure the dog gets let out to pee at some point, oh and better make sure the kids get bathed once in a while, and for goodness sake I am hard-pressed to shower twice a week! Gotta make sure I find some time to do my school work since my time as a part time teacher does not include a prep, yeah, that will probably just happen in the 3 minutes before my class starts every morning (pretty quality lesson being prepared!). Pay bills. Be with friends. Love on my kids. Love on my husband. Spend time with the Lord(!!)
Yikes. I'm exhausted just writing that all down! Maybe your list is miles longer and you think I'm a whiner (perhaps), maybe it's shorter and you think I'm a saint (I assure you I'm not), but either way we never have enough time and energy do we? Honestly though, the physical impossibility is the least of my problem. Yeah, it's frustrating for sure. But it is what it is. The laundry is sometimes (always) piled up. And sometimes the kids (and hubby) only get fed because they whine. Nothing real detramental here, besides the fact that I let these things get to me, they really don't make a huge difference..
The thing I can't handle is emotional stuff. I am so not able to handle all that is on my heart currently. I've wanted to be a mom and a teacher for as far back as I can remember. I remember playing school and babies as a little girl over and over. I've seen the Lord lead me into both and am positive I'm supposed to do them. (Besides, we can't really change our mind on the mom thing!?) Evenso, they are my two biggest challenges (save my marriage, but that's for another post! ;))! As of late, my job has really been burdening me...
I know how to teach middle and high school math concepts. Not a problem. What I'm struggling with is the fact that I can't get my students to put the work in to learn the concepts!! I leave my job most days feeling utterly defeated. I just can't seem to teach in a way that motivates them to want to know the material. I have a hard time being excited about my job and feeling like it's worth leaving my family everyday when I feel like I'm not even doing it well. I start to ask myself, "Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I even equipped to do this?" As stated before, I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing for a career, but I just wish it wasn't so up and down!
Part of the reason I'm not reaching some of my students is that I don't have enough time to put into my planning. Now let me tell you, I pride myself on the fact that I can stand up and teach with little to know preparation at all, and in all reality and I can teach a very good lesson this way. But it kills me to know that i could be doing more. I could have better relationships with my students. I could keep more meticulous track of their individual progress. I could come up with more resources for those that need extra help. I could be SO much better!!
And when I get to this point in the "I'm going to be a better math teacher" convictions I remember that I also have two kids of my own... They could care less about me being a better teacher and they want my attention when I'm home with them! I can't just sit on my computer and search for activities, or correct papers, or organize lessons, I have to play princess for goodness sake! And princess I will play. Because they are my #1 priority. I can never get back this time of being with them. Teaching them how to be people- Lord help me! I'm continually plauged by the idea that I may not do a good enough job. So my 7th graders don't learn how to solve an equation this year- eh!? Not really life or death issues there... But what if Brynn doesn't know how to be a good friend? What if I fail to teach her to be kind? What if I don't help her to know the amazing love of her sweet Lord!? What if I ruin her life!!??
Ok, slightly dramatic on that last one... but seriously. I'm not able. I can't sucessfully do anything I've been called to do. Not on my own that is. This is where I can either give up, or pray hard, and Lord Jesus, I'm praying! Please help me. I know you've called me into these places where only you can help me to succeed. I need you. More than I'd like to admit. I know I walk around pretending I have it all together, but I SO DO NOT. Give me the strength and the WISDOM to fulfill my callings. And when I fail, because I do-everyday, please help me get back on track. Not in my own strength, but yours.
*sigh*.... more than I wanted to share...
I nap because I am EXHAUSTED. Well, to be honest I should admit that I may or may not nap even if I am not exhausted. Anyone that knows me is already thinking that anyway... But back to the point- this momma is tired!! I've got way too much on my plate. I wake up at the crack of dawn (now yes, the sunrises are amazing, but this is SO hard for me!) and feed my 5 month old, then I pump so that he has something to eat while I am at work. I get ready (not in the real sense of the phrase..minimal makeup, hair in a pony, one of 5 outfits that fits me..)work from 7:30-11:00 every morning, then I pick up my kids wherever they happen to be that day and instantly enter into mommy mode.
Feeding the baby, feeding the hungry 3 year old, feeding the hungry 27 year old :). Trying to make sure the house is clean and the laundry is done- or maybe not done, because that is just a pipe dream in my house, but done enough so everyone has clean clothes to wear. Oh and my baby wants to be held about 85% of the time, and Brynn is begging for my attention about 80% of the time, and I have to make sure the dog gets let out to pee at some point, oh and better make sure the kids get bathed once in a while, and for goodness sake I am hard-pressed to shower twice a week! Gotta make sure I find some time to do my school work since my time as a part time teacher does not include a prep, yeah, that will probably just happen in the 3 minutes before my class starts every morning (pretty quality lesson being prepared!). Pay bills. Be with friends. Love on my kids. Love on my husband. Spend time with the Lord(!!)
Yikes. I'm exhausted just writing that all down! Maybe your list is miles longer and you think I'm a whiner (perhaps), maybe it's shorter and you think I'm a saint (I assure you I'm not), but either way we never have enough time and energy do we? Honestly though, the physical impossibility is the least of my problem. Yeah, it's frustrating for sure. But it is what it is. The laundry is sometimes (always) piled up. And sometimes the kids (and hubby) only get fed because they whine. Nothing real detramental here, besides the fact that I let these things get to me, they really don't make a huge difference..
The thing I can't handle is emotional stuff. I am so not able to handle all that is on my heart currently. I've wanted to be a mom and a teacher for as far back as I can remember. I remember playing school and babies as a little girl over and over. I've seen the Lord lead me into both and am positive I'm supposed to do them. (Besides, we can't really change our mind on the mom thing!?) Evenso, they are my two biggest challenges (save my marriage, but that's for another post! ;))! As of late, my job has really been burdening me...
I know how to teach middle and high school math concepts. Not a problem. What I'm struggling with is the fact that I can't get my students to put the work in to learn the concepts!! I leave my job most days feeling utterly defeated. I just can't seem to teach in a way that motivates them to want to know the material. I have a hard time being excited about my job and feeling like it's worth leaving my family everyday when I feel like I'm not even doing it well. I start to ask myself, "Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I even equipped to do this?" As stated before, I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing for a career, but I just wish it wasn't so up and down!
Part of the reason I'm not reaching some of my students is that I don't have enough time to put into my planning. Now let me tell you, I pride myself on the fact that I can stand up and teach with little to know preparation at all, and in all reality and I can teach a very good lesson this way. But it kills me to know that i could be doing more. I could have better relationships with my students. I could keep more meticulous track of their individual progress. I could come up with more resources for those that need extra help. I could be SO much better!!
And when I get to this point in the "I'm going to be a better math teacher" convictions I remember that I also have two kids of my own... They could care less about me being a better teacher and they want my attention when I'm home with them! I can't just sit on my computer and search for activities, or correct papers, or organize lessons, I have to play princess for goodness sake! And princess I will play. Because they are my #1 priority. I can never get back this time of being with them. Teaching them how to be people- Lord help me! I'm continually plauged by the idea that I may not do a good enough job. So my 7th graders don't learn how to solve an equation this year- eh!? Not really life or death issues there... But what if Brynn doesn't know how to be a good friend? What if I fail to teach her to be kind? What if I don't help her to know the amazing love of her sweet Lord!? What if I ruin her life!!??
Ok, slightly dramatic on that last one... but seriously. I'm not able. I can't sucessfully do anything I've been called to do. Not on my own that is. This is where I can either give up, or pray hard, and Lord Jesus, I'm praying! Please help me. I know you've called me into these places where only you can help me to succeed. I need you. More than I'd like to admit. I know I walk around pretending I have it all together, but I SO DO NOT. Give me the strength and the WISDOM to fulfill my callings. And when I fail, because I do-everyday, please help me get back on track. Not in my own strength, but yours.
*sigh*.... more than I wanted to share...
Monday, April 9, 2012
so why share??
My heart. That's the more of me that I don't want to share. In truth, pretty much anything remotely personal about myself and my struggles. I don't want to share them. With anyone really. My friends, my family, even my own husband. Why you ask? I wish I knew. In first realizing my flaw my initial question became, "what the heck is wrong with me??!". So far I haven't figured out the answer. And through a long process of prayer and reflection I've come to a place where I'm not sure I need an answer. All I know is that the Lord has called me out and I cannot remain the same. If I don't share my experiences, how will I ever be a help to anyone? Isn't ministry what it's all about, anyway?
So... A blog!? I know, slightly ridiculous for someone who doesn't want to share with anyone to suddenly poor out my heart for anyone and everyone. Honestly just thinking about doing this makes me want to vomit all over my iPad as I type this. Even so, if there is one thing the Lord is teaching me, it's that it's not doing things that are comfortable that brings us peace, but being obedient to his will.
Yikes.. that last sentence was a tough one to swallow for me. Peace comes from obedience? Really!?? Obedience never feels good, does it!? Well, maybe not, and I am no expert on this, in fact please understand I don't claim to have mastered ANY of what I'm going to share with you from this point on. I can only offer you my experience- and my experience is that peace comes after I decide to obey on something the Lord has laid before me. I would even go so far as to say that the converse is also true- if I am at war inside, it is in all likelihood a direct consequence of my disobedience to Christ in some area or another. Think I'm crazy? I'm not ruling that out. Atleast check it out for yourself. See if my convictions hold any water. Where are you not at peace? Have you obeyed the Lord in that area? If none of your life is at peace, have you given your life to Him?
All that being said, here I am, as terrified as it makes me feel, deciding to obey. He has been changing me and preparing me for this for some time now, and it's time to jump in. Head first. Life jacket free. I'm committing to sharing myself with you. Real. Raw. All too vulnerable. However the Lord leads. Only so that He may use me. I hope to encourage you, challenge you, and bless you. Hopefully make you laugh a time or two, and certainly make you feel better about yourself in my honesty about my own craziness. So decide to read or don't as I offer you almost certainly more than you wanted to know... And without a doubt more of me than I want to share.
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