We went out to dinner last night with my parents. (Contain your jealousy, this is an exciting Friday night for me. I have arrived.) Mexi-style dinner in good 'old Litchfield with the kids in toe. As we waited for our meal, my mom saw someone she knew and she stopped at our table to chat. Said "hi" to Trig, said the kids were cute, blah blah, sat back down. Life went on. Then Brynn, looking pretty bummed, leans over the table and whispers to me, "Mom, why didn't she say hi to me??" "Brynn, it's no big deal, she was just talking with Mema." "But, Mom, she said hi to Triggy and not me..." I was caught off guard. I told her it wasn't intentional, she didn't mean anything by it, Trig was just closer to her in proximity. Not the end of the world.
Then as I watched her slump in her chair, reality hit me again. This is just one of many left-out feelings she will have in this life. Just one of hundreds of times she's going to feel inferior. Unwanted. Not good enough. It bothered me. It bothered me more than it should have. Not at all that the woman didn't say hi to her, I know it meant nothing and of course she wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad, it bothered me that it hurt Brynn so much. I thought to myself- Is that all it takes for her to be crushed? Doesn't she have more self-confidence than that? I know, people, she's only an almost-four-year old. I'm not trying to be ridiculous here. But it really make me think about what I'm teaching her.
Am I showing her how to be confident? How to have good self-worth? Will she know who she is and how to let things go instead of taking it all to heart? I don't know. I think being a mother automatically comes with feelings of uncertainty about our kids turning out alright. I mean, deep down we're all wondering if we're doing even one thing right in raising them. You don't have to admit it, but today I will. This job comes with no instruction manual, and even if it did, all kids are different. So how do I know she's gonna be alright?
And then the truth comes like a smack in the face- I don't. I have no way of guaranteeing she's going to know how to deal with life's crappy parts. With failure, and disappointment, and loss, and change, and relationships. I mean- yeah I'm gonna do my best to teach her what I know, but Lord knows I don't have it all together either, so I sorta feel like she's crippled from the start. (Sorry, Brynn.) So what the heck do we mommas do then!? Hope for the best? Sure. But let's be practical here. What can I do today to make sure she knows how to deal?
I couldn't quit thinking about it the rest of the dinner. Brynn was not herself at all. She came over to me and laid her head on my shoulder for most of the time. She said "I want to go home" several times- and if you know Brynn, she's maybe said that 3 times in her whole life. She NEVER wants to go home. I have no idea what was wrong. It may have been her feelings were broken, but that seems unlikely. Either way I hated that she was distraught. I held her and stroked her hair. I kissed her and told her I loved her. And I prayed for her. I remembered all the times I had feelings of sadness over what others thought of me (or at least what I thought they were thinking about me..) and I felt for her. I
It was somewhere in that time that I said silently to Jesus, "I just want her to find her worth in you. I want her to know who she is in your eyes, and I want that to dominate any other image being projected on her by another." Lord, please help me to live this for her. Help me to find my worth in you. Help me to always remind her who loves her more than anyone else, and who's always there for her.
On the way home I think I asked Brynn 17 times "Is everything okay, Brynn? Is something bothering you? If you're feeling sad, you can tell me why..." "MOM- I'm FINE!" "Ok, but you know you can tell me anything, right? I'll always be here to listen to you." "But, Mom, what if you're not?" "Well, Brynn, remember Jesus is always there, and he hears you." Please, Lord, hear her. And speak to her in your still small voice. (And now you are all thinking I'm an over-analytical insane person... I promise not all dinners are this intense for me.)
