So... I haven't blogged in over a week. I have been quite busy- as last week was the last week of school for me (more on that to come..) but I'm going to be really honest with you about the biggest reason I haven't posted. I've been struggling. Emotionally. And quite frankly I just want so badly to revert to old habits and keep it to myself to figure it out. But.... as we all know that goes against the premise of this blog, as I did promise to share my heart with you.
So what is so wrong with my life that I'm so emotionally wrecked lately? Oh you know- NOTHING. Not just saying that like we women love to say (especially me, just ask my husband) I really mean it. There is really nothing new going on in my life that should cause me to be so down and weepy! I mean the usual stuff of course, kids being kids (and sometimes pretending to be snotty adults..), husbands doing their best to annoy you (or maybe that's just mine?), the house doing its best to get messy again after you JUST cleaned it, etc, etc. But honestly everything is pretty great currently.
With the exception of me. I have felt for the last week or so that I could burst into tears at any given moment. The slightest little statement from anyone that rubs me the wrong way and I can feel my eyes well up with tears. I'm serious, we are talking some pretty minimal and ridiculous stuff here. SO not like me! So after a few days or so of this I started thinking, what is wrong with me!? So naturally, the first thing I did was take a pregnancy test (please, dear God, don't say I'm pregnant!!)..... negative (thank you, Jesus). Then I started thinking I may just be getting my period back, since I haven't gotten it yet after Trig, but it's been more than a week now and still no sign of it. So what is it?
Well, I started really reflecting on the comments and situations that were making me so upset and depressed, and wouldn't you know they all seemed to circulate around one subject: I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!! Oh I know what you're thinking... here we go again! You already told us you have thirty pounds left to lose, fatty! Ok, I realize you probably didn't think "fatty" as you are much nicer to me than I am, but evenso. I know I already blogged about that.
The truth is- over the last couple weeks after that blog I have become even more sick to DEATH about my current physical and health state. I honestly don't feel confident and comfortable in my own skin and it's really taking a toll on me as of late. SOOOO... with that in mind, I decided I need to make a major change here. Unless of course I want to wallow in self pity for the time being- which I SO do NOT!! So, naturally I went all out and threw myself into an intense exercise and eating program. I appreciate all of your suggestions after my "I'm huge" blog, but I am just not so good at the "just taking small steps" and "make a few adjustments here and there" thing. If I'm going to do something to try and lose weight and feel better- I've got to do something crazy. Otherwise I will justify my way to 6 cookies, a venti latte, and a big stack of pancakes slathered in butter and dripping in syrup. All the while calling carrying Trig around all day my "workout."
So what am I doing? Well as far as eating goes, (ahhh... my mouth is still watering over the pancakes) I've gone crazy and cut out sugar completely. Oh, and fake sugar... That's right, no cookies, cake, ice cream, pancakes (oh, not the pancakes!), bread, chips, boneless Applebee's wings drenched in honey barbecue (tear...), ice-cold Coke Zero, coffee, NONE OF IT. I will have a moment of silence for them now....... I will miss you, sweet ones. I am on day two and want to stab someone, so it's going pretty well. And the workout? For now I have made a thirty-day date with Jillian Michaels. I hate her. Her and her two little friends with their tight little abs and happy smiles while I can barely breathe let alone manage a grin. And don't tell me that you "know this is so hard," Jillian. That's just a lie. You haven't broke a sweat and you are still able to tell me to "get down low" without a labored breath, so no, you're not struggling at all, save the comforting words.
Just when I think I've hit it on the head with the workout and eating plan, the Lord spoke to me. Through the Word- nope. Through a friend? Not. A loud audible voice? Well, it was audible... Veggietales. Yup, that's right, "Broccoliiiiiiiiii, celeryyyyyy, gotta beeeeeee, Veggietales!" Sorry for putting that in your head. (Sidenote- Brandon just sat down and is eating some snack mix... I could strangle him.) Brynn has been watching her "God Made You Special" DVD several times lately, and there is a story on it about some little creatures called "snoodles" (I can just feel some of you nodding- "oh, yes, the snoodles" as if it's so normal... us poor moms- what has happened to us!?). One particular snoodle, after being created by the mysterious "creator", is in search of his purpose. He finds out he has wings and attempts to fly- only to fall on his face and be made fun of by the other snoodles.
They also make fun of the fact he can't paint. (The snoodles like to paint.) They decide to paint him pictures of how terrible his is at everything (nice, I know) making him feel awful. He puts them in his backpack, each one weighing him down more than the one before. So, naturally, he decided to follow some birds up to the top of a mountain (stay with me here people- point coming...) to find there his creator. The creator is kind to him, and being so used to put downs his is confused. Crying, he shows his creator the paintings. "Dear boy, these look nothing like you. Wait there, come see, that what you need most, is a picture from me." He paints him a picture that shows the little snoodle in all his glory... "I know who you are, for I made you." He tells him. He gives him the picture to put in his pack, and wouldn't you know- the snoodle is able to fly!
I feel just like that snoodle sometimes. Completely and utterly weighed down by what others think of me and trying to find my worth in all the wrong places. The painting that weighs me down the most is my own of myself- it leaves me stuck and I can't even move. I'm so hindered by what the world says I should be and look like- what I think is acceptable. I cried the first time I watched the snoodle video (yes, people, those Veggitales are quite moving). I cried because I could feel the Lord speaking to me. Telling me that only His view of me matters. His picture of me is more beautiful than one that anyone could ever paint. "I know who you are, I made you" he whispers. And if the snoodle wasn't enough- my verse of the day yesterday was Proverbs 31:30- "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;" (you're telling me... a year and a half ago I was slammin! Now I look somewhat more like the Pilsbury Dough Boy...) "but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." I pray He never stops reminding me of this. It's all about You Lord- continue to show me who I am and who you've made me to be. And maybe help me lose these extra pounds along the way if you would.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
My Mom
The other day Brynn woke up and wanted pancakes. I of course obliged, being I knew I would LOVE some pancakes as well! We started getting out the ingredients only to realize that I was almost completely out of flour. Of course I had forgotten to put it on the list, so there was no new bag in the pantry either. I was not looking forward to breaking the news to Brynn, and dang it, I wanted me some pancakes! I thought about it for a minute and quickly recalled that my mom makes oat flour all the time by grinding up whole oats in a coffee grinder. So- I went back into the pantry and got out the oatmeal, cleaned out the coffee grinder and got to work. The pancakes turned out perfectly, and I felt pretty proud to be able to improvise.
I've known I was going to write this post for Mother's day for a little while now, and the flour situation really got me thinking. My mom truly taught me all I needed to know and more to become a successful, thriving adult. I don't know that I've ever told her how much she truly means to me- well, actually, I'm sure I haven't because it's rare for me to tell anyone how I truly feel about them- but she is truly amazing and possibly the most influential person in my life. Too often she gives herself little-to-no credit for who she is, and so I will share with you who she is to me.
If anyone has ever truly accepted me for who I am, it's my mom. I remember coming home crying from school one day. My mom met me as I got off the bus as she sometimes did and I spilled the story to her. I had brought something for show-and-tell that day, if my memory serves me right it was a stuffed "Barney" (yep, the big purple dinosaur), and the kids in my class made fun of me for still watching and liking it. My little heart was broken. My mom listened and hugged me. I don't remember at all what she said but I know she made me feel better. Fast forward a few years, and I came home crying again because I was being made fun of for having "developed" sooner than the other girls. They were teasing me and saying that I "stuffed my bra" (oh, yes, remember those days!? I actually never needed to stuff my bra...). You know what my mom said to me? "Well maybe you should just flash them?? That would take care of it." Oh, mom! You see where I get my bluntness!?
Well, I didn't flash them, but I did figure it out. On my own. In fact, I had some tough times in my elementary/ middle school years and I don't remember one single time where my mom got involved by calling a parent, or the school, or whomever. Instead she was there for me. She helped me work through things and she taught me how to problem solve. She put up with me slamming a door in her face for several years, and screaming that I hated her way too many times. She told me the truth I didn't want to hear over and over again, all the while watching me make mistakes she knew I would regret. Even so she never said "I told you so" (or wait, maybe she did ;)) and was there to pick me up when I fell.
She didn't always let me go where other kids got to go, she always asked me the tough questions, she always wanted to know "are their parents going to be home?" and "are there going to be any boys there?" I rolled my eyes at her and hated her for asking. I hated that she made me realize that something I was about to do wasn't right. I wanted so bad for her to just LEAVE ME ALONE! But she never would, thank God. I made plenty of mistakes and I can't imagine the loads more I might have made without her holding me accountable. She tried so hard to keep me from growing up before I should, even though I ran in the opposite direction. I never understood why she wouldn't let me shave my legs when I wanted to, or go to the movies with that boy when I was just 15. Boy do I get it now.
She managed to be housekeeper, cook, councilor, dental assistant, massage therapist, youth group leader, sunday school teacher, and more. She held my family together when it could have easily fallen apart, and I would even argue she saved my dad's life. She has shown me what it truly means to be a Godly wife and is still the person I go to first if I need an ear. I would bet she has prayed for me more than anyone else and reminds me so often of The One who will never let me down. She's the reason I am able to be a good mom to my kids. She taught me how to cook, how to clean the bathroom, how to wash dishes, how to scrub the floors, how to choose a good friend, how to be a good friend...
And now that I'm a mother myself, she has become not only my mother by my friend. I trust her with my heart- and that's saying a lot from me- but the thing that humbles me to the core is that she has started to trust me with hers. This woman who I esteem above all others believes in me. She's proud of me and thinks I'm a worthy opinion and confidant. I hope she knows that I can only be that because she helped make me who I am. I can only pray that someday I can be half the woman she is. Affect even half the lives she has and love Jesus as deeply as she does. I am beyond thankful for my mother- on this day and always. I love you, Mom.
Happy Mother's Day.
I've known I was going to write this post for Mother's day for a little while now, and the flour situation really got me thinking. My mom truly taught me all I needed to know and more to become a successful, thriving adult. I don't know that I've ever told her how much she truly means to me- well, actually, I'm sure I haven't because it's rare for me to tell anyone how I truly feel about them- but she is truly amazing and possibly the most influential person in my life. Too often she gives herself little-to-no credit for who she is, and so I will share with you who she is to me.
If anyone has ever truly accepted me for who I am, it's my mom. I remember coming home crying from school one day. My mom met me as I got off the bus as she sometimes did and I spilled the story to her. I had brought something for show-and-tell that day, if my memory serves me right it was a stuffed "Barney" (yep, the big purple dinosaur), and the kids in my class made fun of me for still watching and liking it. My little heart was broken. My mom listened and hugged me. I don't remember at all what she said but I know she made me feel better. Fast forward a few years, and I came home crying again because I was being made fun of for having "developed" sooner than the other girls. They were teasing me and saying that I "stuffed my bra" (oh, yes, remember those days!? I actually never needed to stuff my bra...). You know what my mom said to me? "Well maybe you should just flash them?? That would take care of it." Oh, mom! You see where I get my bluntness!?
Well, I didn't flash them, but I did figure it out. On my own. In fact, I had some tough times in my elementary/ middle school years and I don't remember one single time where my mom got involved by calling a parent, or the school, or whomever. Instead she was there for me. She helped me work through things and she taught me how to problem solve. She put up with me slamming a door in her face for several years, and screaming that I hated her way too many times. She told me the truth I didn't want to hear over and over again, all the while watching me make mistakes she knew I would regret. Even so she never said "I told you so" (or wait, maybe she did ;)) and was there to pick me up when I fell.
She didn't always let me go where other kids got to go, she always asked me the tough questions, she always wanted to know "are their parents going to be home?" and "are there going to be any boys there?" I rolled my eyes at her and hated her for asking. I hated that she made me realize that something I was about to do wasn't right. I wanted so bad for her to just LEAVE ME ALONE! But she never would, thank God. I made plenty of mistakes and I can't imagine the loads more I might have made without her holding me accountable. She tried so hard to keep me from growing up before I should, even though I ran in the opposite direction. I never understood why she wouldn't let me shave my legs when I wanted to, or go to the movies with that boy when I was just 15. Boy do I get it now.
She managed to be housekeeper, cook, councilor, dental assistant, massage therapist, youth group leader, sunday school teacher, and more. She held my family together when it could have easily fallen apart, and I would even argue she saved my dad's life. She has shown me what it truly means to be a Godly wife and is still the person I go to first if I need an ear. I would bet she has prayed for me more than anyone else and reminds me so often of The One who will never let me down. She's the reason I am able to be a good mom to my kids. She taught me how to cook, how to clean the bathroom, how to wash dishes, how to scrub the floors, how to choose a good friend, how to be a good friend...
And now that I'm a mother myself, she has become not only my mother by my friend. I trust her with my heart- and that's saying a lot from me- but the thing that humbles me to the core is that she has started to trust me with hers. This woman who I esteem above all others believes in me. She's proud of me and thinks I'm a worthy opinion and confidant. I hope she knows that I can only be that because she helped make me who I am. I can only pray that someday I can be half the woman she is. Affect even half the lives she has and love Jesus as deeply as she does. I am beyond thankful for my mother- on this day and always. I love you, Mom.
Happy Mother's Day.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Thirty...
That's the number of pounds I have yet to lose after having Trig. Save the "Leah, don't be so hard on yourself. You just had a baby" and "It will come off, just give it some time." Trig is almost 7 months old, so that hardly qualifies in the "just had a baby" category, and I've already given it plenty of time. Apparently it's not going to just happen like I was hoping it would. I am currently very sick of looking like this! It definitely doesn't help that everyone around me having babies looks amazing about 2 weeks later... why can't that be me!??
This pregnancy actually started off with me looking great. I was at my goal weight/size, and was even 20 or more pounds below what I weighed when I got pregnant with Brynn. Perfect recipe for gaining less than the 50 pounds I gained with Brynn, right? Nope. Instead I gained more. I'm not sure exactly how much more, because I usually decide to stop looking at the scale about half way through, but definitely more. 60, 65 pounds? I don't know. The point is I came home from the hospital weighing close to the same as when I arrived home with Brynn.
SO frustrating. I was hoping I would be able to gain less and lose faster this time. WRONG. It took me close to a year to lose the weight I gained with Brynn. I am on track for that or more. Maybe like 2 years at this rate. I'm getting to the point now where I seriously feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "geez, when is she going to lose that baby weight- she should really be back to normal by now." I know people, I know. I should be back to normal. Or at least in the process! I went for several months having 40 pounds to lose... then I went on a little loosing streak and got down to 30 pounds to lose.. and now I've been hanging out here for WAY to long.
I know it's my fault. I haven't made any effort whatsoever. Scratch that, I've made an effort here and there for very short periods of time, but haven't stayed with anything. I don't work out, and I eat whatever the heck I want. After all this girl is HUNGRY. I'm nursing a baby and I could pretty much eat all the time. I can probably count on one hand the number of times since I had Trig that I've actually felt full, and let's just be honest, it's hard to have some self control when you are always hungry! Not to mention that I LOVE food (so much so that that might have to be another post entirely...).
My husband, bless his heart, says I look just great. I'm very thankful for that, don't get me wrong, but I so do NOT look great. I want to vomit every time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or feel my thighs rub together, or my tight pants on my giant belly, or my double chin when I yawn too big. DISGUSTING. I am honestly repulsed by myself and it makes me sad. Now I'm not saying that someone that's bigger than me is fat- all I'm saying is that this person I see in the mirror isn't me! And relatively, she's quite a big gal.
So what am I going to do about it? I don't know. I want to commit to a low carb diet- which I've had a lot of success with in the past. But I'm not committed enough for that right now. Apparently my fatness isn't incentive enough for me to do that. Not to mention that nursing a baby does some crazy things to my body and I'm not so sure it would be effective. I did order myself a double jogging stroller which should be arriving this week. Excited to be able to go for a walk with my kids because let's face it, when else am I going to get one in?
Beyond attempting to get regular about walking, I don't know what to do for now. Stop eating everything in sight? Perhaps. There again though comes that hungry thing. And God-forbid that I eat when I am hungry. Just ask my husband who, although very understanding most of the time, almost brought me to tears when he asked me last night as I was eating some crackers and cheese, "didn't we have a really big dinner?" Yes, honey, we did. SHUT UP! **sigh...** I. Need. Help. WAY more than I wanted to share.....
This pregnancy actually started off with me looking great. I was at my goal weight/size, and was even 20 or more pounds below what I weighed when I got pregnant with Brynn. Perfect recipe for gaining less than the 50 pounds I gained with Brynn, right? Nope. Instead I gained more. I'm not sure exactly how much more, because I usually decide to stop looking at the scale about half way through, but definitely more. 60, 65 pounds? I don't know. The point is I came home from the hospital weighing close to the same as when I arrived home with Brynn.
SO frustrating. I was hoping I would be able to gain less and lose faster this time. WRONG. It took me close to a year to lose the weight I gained with Brynn. I am on track for that or more. Maybe like 2 years at this rate. I'm getting to the point now where I seriously feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "geez, when is she going to lose that baby weight- she should really be back to normal by now." I know people, I know. I should be back to normal. Or at least in the process! I went for several months having 40 pounds to lose... then I went on a little loosing streak and got down to 30 pounds to lose.. and now I've been hanging out here for WAY to long.
I know it's my fault. I haven't made any effort whatsoever. Scratch that, I've made an effort here and there for very short periods of time, but haven't stayed with anything. I don't work out, and I eat whatever the heck I want. After all this girl is HUNGRY. I'm nursing a baby and I could pretty much eat all the time. I can probably count on one hand the number of times since I had Trig that I've actually felt full, and let's just be honest, it's hard to have some self control when you are always hungry! Not to mention that I LOVE food (so much so that that might have to be another post entirely...).
My husband, bless his heart, says I look just great. I'm very thankful for that, don't get me wrong, but I so do NOT look great. I want to vomit every time I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or feel my thighs rub together, or my tight pants on my giant belly, or my double chin when I yawn too big. DISGUSTING. I am honestly repulsed by myself and it makes me sad. Now I'm not saying that someone that's bigger than me is fat- all I'm saying is that this person I see in the mirror isn't me! And relatively, she's quite a big gal.
So what am I going to do about it? I don't know. I want to commit to a low carb diet- which I've had a lot of success with in the past. But I'm not committed enough for that right now. Apparently my fatness isn't incentive enough for me to do that. Not to mention that nursing a baby does some crazy things to my body and I'm not so sure it would be effective. I did order myself a double jogging stroller which should be arriving this week. Excited to be able to go for a walk with my kids because let's face it, when else am I going to get one in?
Beyond attempting to get regular about walking, I don't know what to do for now. Stop eating everything in sight? Perhaps. There again though comes that hungry thing. And God-forbid that I eat when I am hungry. Just ask my husband who, although very understanding most of the time, almost brought me to tears when he asked me last night as I was eating some crackers and cheese, "didn't we have a really big dinner?" Yes, honey, we did. SHUT UP! **sigh...** I. Need. Help. WAY more than I wanted to share.....
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