"I know who you are, I made you."

So... I haven't blogged in over a week.  I have been quite busy- as last week was the last week of school for me (more on that to come..) but I'm going to be really honest with you about the biggest reason I haven't posted.  I've been struggling.  Emotionally.  And quite frankly I just want so badly to revert to old habits and keep it to myself to figure it out.  But.... as we all know that goes against the premise of this blog, as I did promise to share my heart with you.

So what is so wrong with my life that I'm so emotionally wrecked lately?  Oh you know- NOTHING.  Not just saying that like we women love to say (especially me, just ask my husband) I really mean it.  There is really nothing new going on in my life that should cause me to be so down and weepy!  I mean the usual stuff of course, kids being kids (and sometimes pretending to be snotty adults..), husbands doing their best to annoy you (or maybe that's just mine?), the house doing its best to get messy again after you JUST cleaned it, etc, etc.  But honestly everything is pretty great currently.

With the exception of me.  I have felt for the last week or so that I could burst into tears at any given moment.  The slightest little statement from anyone that rubs me the wrong way and I can feel my eyes well up with tears.  I'm serious, we are talking some pretty minimal and ridiculous stuff here.  SO not like me!  So after a few days or so of this I started thinking, what is wrong with me!?  So naturally, the first thing I did was take a pregnancy test (please, dear God, don't say I'm pregnant!!)..... negative (thank you, Jesus).  Then I started thinking I may just be getting my period back, since I haven't gotten it yet after Trig, but it's been more than a week now and still no sign of it.  So what is it?

Well, I started really reflecting on the comments and situations that were making me so upset and depressed, and wouldn't you know they all seemed to circulate around one subject: I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!  Oh I know what you're thinking... here we go again!  You already told us you have thirty pounds left to lose, fatty!  Ok, I realize you probably didn't think "fatty" as you are much nicer to me than I am, but evenso.  I know I already blogged about that.

The truth is- over the last couple weeks after that blog I have become even more sick to DEATH about my current physical and health state.  I honestly don't feel confident and comfortable in my own skin and it's really taking a toll on me as of late.  SOOOO... with that in mind, I decided I need to make a major change here.  Unless of course I want to wallow in self pity for the time being- which I SO do NOT!!  So, naturally I went all out and threw myself into an intense exercise and eating program.  I appreciate all of your suggestions after my "I'm huge" blog, but I am just not so good at the "just taking small steps"  and "make a few adjustments here and there" thing.  If I'm going to do something to try and lose weight and feel better- I've got to do something crazy.  Otherwise I will justify my way to 6 cookies, a venti latte, and a big stack of pancakes slathered in butter and dripping in syrup.  All the while calling carrying Trig around all day my "workout."

So what am I doing?  Well as far as eating goes, (ahhh... my mouth is still watering over the pancakes) I've gone crazy and cut out sugar completely.  Oh, and fake sugar...  That's right, no cookies, cake, ice cream, pancakes (oh, not the pancakes!), bread, chips, boneless Applebee's wings drenched in honey barbecue (tear...), ice-cold Coke Zero, coffee, NONE OF IT.  I will have a moment of silence for them now.......  I will miss you, sweet ones.  I am on day two and want to stab someone, so it's going pretty well.  And the workout?  For now I have made a thirty-day date with Jillian Michaels.  I hate her.  Her and her two little friends with their tight little abs and happy smiles while I can barely breathe let alone manage a grin.  And don't tell me that you "know this is so hard," Jillian.  That's just a lie.  You haven't broke a sweat and you are still able to tell me to "get down low" without a labored breath, so no, you're not struggling at all, save the comforting words.

Just when I think I've hit it on the head with the workout and eating plan, the Lord spoke to me.  Through the Word- nope.  Through a friend?  Not.  A loud audible voice?  Well, it was audible... Veggietales.  Yup, that's right, "Broccoliiiiiiiiii, celeryyyyyy, gotta beeeeeee, Veggietales!"  Sorry for putting that in your head.  (Sidenote- Brandon just sat down and is eating some snack mix... I could strangle him.)  Brynn has been watching her "God Made You Special" DVD several times lately, and there is a story on it about some little creatures called "snoodles"  (I can just feel some of you nodding- "oh, yes, the snoodles" as if it's so normal... us poor moms- what has happened to us!?).  One particular snoodle, after being created by the mysterious "creator", is in search of his purpose.  He finds out he has wings and attempts to fly- only to fall on his face and be made fun of by the other snoodles.

They also make fun of the fact he can't paint. (The snoodles like to paint.)  They decide to paint him pictures of how terrible his is at everything (nice, I know) making him feel awful.  He puts them in his backpack, each one weighing him down more than the one before.  So, naturally, he decided to follow some birds up to the top of a mountain (stay with me here people- point coming...) to find there his creator.  The creator is kind to him, and being so used to put downs his is confused.  Crying, he shows his creator the paintings.  "Dear boy, these look nothing like you.  Wait there, come see, that what you need most, is a picture from me."  He paints him a picture that shows the little snoodle in all his glory... "I know who you are, for I made you."  He tells him.  He gives him the picture to put in his pack, and wouldn't you know- the snoodle is able to fly!

I feel just like that snoodle sometimes.  Completely and utterly weighed down by what others think of me and trying to find my worth in all the wrong places.  The painting that weighs me down the most is my own of myself- it leaves me stuck and I can't even move.  I'm so hindered by what the world says I should be and look like- what I think is acceptable.  I cried the first time I watched the snoodle video (yes, people, those Veggitales are quite moving).  I cried because I could feel the Lord speaking to me.  Telling me that only His view of me matters.  His picture of me is more beautiful than one that anyone could ever paint.  "I know who you are, I made you" he whispers.  And if the snoodle wasn't enough- my verse of the day yesterday was Proverbs 31:30- "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;" (you're telling me... a year and a half ago I was slammin!  Now I look somewhat more like the Pilsbury Dough Boy...)  "but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised." I pray He never stops reminding me of this.  It's all about You Lord- continue to show me who I am and who you've made me to be.  And maybe help me lose these extra pounds along the way if you would.