Just stand still and don't touch anything.

I said something along those lines to my three-year-old (when I first wrote that I typed 2-year-old... Where does the time go?) while we were standing in a landscape supply store the other day.  I had made a trip to St. Cloud that day and Brandon needed something- so since I was there I thought I'd save him a trip.  It was REALLY hot that day (hot and I are mostly enemies) and so getting in and out of the car was slightly miserable.  I planned to just run in and tell them I was there, have them load the stuff in my car and leave.  I left Trig in the car sleeping (go ahead, call social service- my aunt works there, so if you need the number let me know) and only brought Brynn in because she of course had to poop at that exact moment.

She of course has to ask 36 questions about all the products in the office- "what is that, mom?"  "Can I have one of those?"  Blah, blah.  Standard for 3, I know, but you must recall we are not in the Gap we are in a landscape supply store.  There are no children here.  There are landscaping things and crabby business men trying to get their stuff and get back to work.  No one here cares that my daughter needs to poop and that my 8-month-old is waiting in the car.  I stood there for several minutes waiting before being helped, only to find out that I was going to have to wait some more for them to go retrieve whatever it was I was picking up.  (Thanks so much for calling 20 seconds before I arrived, honey.)  I took Brynn to the potty (twice- she apparently wasn't done after the first time) and brought her back into the car while I waited at the risk of her breaking something expensive.  There I am waiting, waiting, wwaaaiiitttiinnnggggggggggg.... peeking out the window every 15 seconds to make sure my kids are still in the car and alive, positive that everyone in the office is thinking I'm ridiculous for bringing my children, or at least neglectful for making them wait in the car.

Finally, after 2 meltdowns per child while the guy is loading things into my car, I was headed home.  On the way, kids sleeping by God's sweet grace after a day of no naps, I became quite annoyed with myself.  I was so mean to Brynn in the store.  (And I'm sure I was a real peach to the office people- standing there waiting in frustration for my landscaping crap.)  Every phrase from my lips was negative.  "Don't do that.  Quit touching that!  I told you not to touch that!  Come on, Brynn, you know better.  You just went potty, why didn't you finish while we were already in there?  Shhhh!!!  Don't talk so loud...."  Oh and the looks I gave her.  I of course couldn't see my face, but I can about imagine.  I mean, the girl is THREE, Leah!  Settle down on her.

This extremely unhelpful and ineffective parenting has been happening all too often lately in the midst of my new full-time-mommy-with-two-kids role.  I'm too often looking back at how I reacted to something kid-related and wanting to smack myself.  Upon reflecting on my behavior I have decided that there are a few reasons why I get so frustrated at my children in certain situations.

1. I am totally embarrassed.  When I morph into shut-up-or-i'll-smack-you mommy in public it is almost always because I am mortified by my child(ren)'s behavior.  I just really don't what them bugging other people!  Honestly, it's one of the things that stresses me out the most.  I just want them to be kids who are "seen and not heard" when we are in public.  People shouldn't have to be inconvenienced by my kids.  They didn't show up with them and their experience at wherever shouldn't have to be affected by them.  This may sounds ridiculous, but this one is directly related to the fact that I'm not a "kid person."  I love my kids of course, but not just any kids.  I guess I want them to be kids that don't annoy us non-kid-lovers.

2. I know I taught them better than that.  Okay, so Trig is not yet 8-months old- I've taught him basically nothing.  But Brynn- I look at her some days and think, "Are you KIDDING me!??"  I am just shocked some times by the things we have to go back to on the learning curve.  "You really thought throwing all of those clothes from the stroller onto the store floor was an okay thing to do?"  "What made you think that dragging Trig across the carpet by his arms while he's screaming was fine?"  "Did you just jump off the back of their couch?"  Seriously- these and more are just questions I shouldn't have to ask at this point.

3. I'm crabby about something else.  This one makes me the most upset with myself.  Sometimes I'm pissed at Brandon for something.  Other times I'm seriously exhausted from being up too late, or having to get up during the night.  Or maybe I'm hormonal.  Whatever.  The point is my kids are just walking (or in Trig's case-rolling) along enjoying life and "psycho mommy" flies at them for no real reason.  NOT COOL.

There they are.  Top three reasons I get far to frustrated with my kiddos.  Sad thing is that regardless of my justifications- and let me tell you, sometimes they deserve it, I'm almost always missing the boat.  I'm ignoring the teachable moments and instead demanding obedience.  I'm squelching curiosity and trading it for quiet.  I'm punishing cries for affection with spankings and harsh words.  Before you quit reading please understand that I am not apologizing for disciplining my children.  I'm apologizing for my heart behind it.  I seem to have mastered disciplining with the wrong motives.  After all, why is it that I want Brynn to behave in a certain way?  Why do I want my babies to do this and not that? 

I want them to know how to be a successful adult.  That's the bottom line.  Practical things of course: social skills, hygiene, etc, etc.  But most of all I want them to have success in their relationships.  I desire for them to know how to be a good friend.  How to be a good wife/husband and mom/dad someday.  How to be a good student, co-worker, neighbor.  That's all of our goals, right?  More than that I just want so badly for them to know The One who loves more than my heart is able.  The One who made them each specifically and loved them before they were even a thought in my mind.  He knew that I should be the one to lead them as their mother in the beginning of their lives in this world and I am so thankful He chose me to do it.  Humbled and so grateful for the opportunity.  My prayer today and always is that God would help me raise them to know Him as their Savior.  Not because I know Him, but because HE pursues them.

I want them to know how much Jesus loves them.  That sounds cliché, but I mean it with all of my being.  If they can know how much Jesus truly loves them they will without a doubt fall in love with Him in return.  If you knew Him truly you would have no other choice.  So whatever it is I am supposed to teach them to make it possible for them to encounter His presence I want to do it.  He is the  WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE.  To know and serve Him is to have succeeded.  Help me, Lord, so that they will succeed.

"Hi, I'm Leah."

A few weeks ago, someone approached me at church.  This is already weird since my personality is such that not many people approach me- which is indeed how I like it I suppose.  Anyway, I was approached by a sweet girl who shall remain nameless letting me know that she was going to be starting a women's bible study for the summer.  She said she thought of me and was wondering if I'd like to be in it.  Now, several thoughts were swimming in my head about this point.  Mostly- "I don't even know you!" and "No.. no I will not be in a random women's bible study.." and "Why in the WORLD are you asking me??"  Those are just the watered down, writable thoughts.. there were others.  Of course there is someone standing in front of me waiting for me to answer if this is "something I'd be interested in?" (NO.) 

So naturally, and when I say naturally I mean about as natural as me ordering a veggie burger, I agreed to join the study.

Say WHAT!?  I didn't even know who these "women" were going to be in this study... and I just go and agree, just like that?  Was it because this woman standing before me seemed so cute and fun?  Because I often admired her and her sweet little family during a service?  I don't know.  But there I was, all signed up for a new study with a bunch of randoms.  Just in case you think I'm being dramatic let me just tell you that me choosing to meet new people is about as likely as me choosing to eat at home when given the option to go out.  It just doesn't happen, people.  Not only does the "nice to meet you" scene sound just hideous, I just frankly am not looking for new friends.  That sounds snobby, I know, but I really am not.  I've got a few close friends that I love very dearly, and I'm just not one to have a bunch of friends I will never be able to keep up with.  I want to be a good friend to a few, not a mediocre one to many.  

That aside I will admit I was looking forward to a new study.  We were going to to a Beth Moore study.  I have done several and absolutely adore her.  Perhaps this is what made me agree? Anyhow there was a small light in the midst of the nightmare.  Atleast I would have something to study this summer.  Get closer to the Lord- eh?  I suppose I could use that.  Or I might die without it.  Or one of the two.  It will be fine.  And honestly at this point I still had hope that maybe there would be one or two people I would be somewhat familiar with that ended up being in the study.  Everything would work out.  

Fast forward a bit to Tuesday of this week.  The night of our first study.  Judging by the names in the bible study's Facebook group it was official I would not know a soul.  Like, I "knew of" 3 people.  Out of 9.  And when I say knew of I mean I had once heard their names.  Gag.  Vomit.  Death.  Luckily my day was pretty busy like most and I didn't have a whole lot of time to process what I was about to embark on that evening until the car ride there.  There I was driving.  I had to look up the address on the way since I had no clue where I was going.  I had some fresh make up on as I thought it necessary since I knew no one.. you know.. make a decent impression?  Whatever- my sad attempt.  Couldn't quite get myself out of my sweats, but hey?  I can let them in on a little of the real me right away, right?  

I was nervous, but mostly distracted by making sure I found the place.  Once I got there, (roughly 7 minutes late, standard business.  I will be late to my own funeral.)  I quickly entered into "what they heck am I doing here" mode.  Which looks really good on me, by the way, helps the first impression immensely.  I rudely sent a text to the bestie- "I feel like a total freak... this is why I never do this stuff..."  I knew she was most likely tickled by the thought of me in my current situation as she knew how mortifying it was for me.  I could just see her sick little smile at the though of me squirming in my discomfort.  But that sweet, sweet sister replied to me with "It will be okay- the Lord's got something in store for you... He told me :) Go- let him do it!"  

She'll never know what those words meant to me at that moment.  Quite possibly saved me from fainting and making a total fool of myself, but more than that.  They redirected me to what it was all about.  To WHO it is all about.  My sweet Jesus.  He's been shaking me up lately for what I can only imagine is bringing me closer to Him and His perfect plan for me.  I'm drowning in all the things in me that I feel disqualify me from making a difference for Him.  Yet in the midst I am humbled by the fact that he might just use those very things to show others His sweet face.  Use me, precious Jesus.  

Turns out I didn't die during the Bible study.  I didn't pass out either.  No guarantees on leaving without everyone thinking I was totally annoying and weird, but I am still living.  Even looking forward to next week.  In the middle of being completely freaked out there was something beautiful about being in a group of women brought together perhaps by nothing more than a desire to seek Him together.  And- thank you Lord- the hostess served some AWESOME coffee.  And someone brought delicious cake.  What can I say?  I'm easily pleased, and slightly shallow.  I so hope people in my new bible study read this so they can know how crazy I am and end their suspicions.