I am physically incapable of doing all that I need to do in any given day. As I write this I am sitting in the hallway of the local elementary school with Trig while Brynn is dancing her 3 year old little heart out at her dance class. The dance class that I woke her up for 15 minutes before it started. The 30 minute class that she was 5 minutes late for. The class she's late for EVERY week. (Except maybe that week when Mema brought her?). Oh, and did I mention that I also woke up about 15 minutes before the class started? Yup. I did. I pretty much nap with my kids everyday. And if for some reason I can't, I am dead by 6:30.
I nap because I am EXHAUSTED. Well, to be honest I should admit that I may or may not nap even if I am not exhausted. Anyone that knows me is already thinking that anyway... But back to the point- this momma is tired!! I've got way too much on my plate. I wake up at the crack of dawn (now yes, the sunrises are amazing, but this is SO hard for me!) and feed my 5 month old, then I pump so that he has something to eat while I am at work. I get ready (not in the real sense of the phrase..minimal makeup, hair in a pony, one of 5 outfits that fits me..)work from 7:30-11:00 every morning, then I pick up my kids wherever they happen to be that day and instantly enter into mommy mode.
Feeding the baby, feeding the hungry 3 year old, feeding the hungry 27 year old :). Trying to make sure the house is clean and the laundry is done- or maybe not done, because that is just a pipe dream in my house, but done enough so everyone has clean clothes to wear. Oh and my baby wants to be held about 85% of the time, and Brynn is begging for my attention about 80% of the time, and I have to make sure the dog gets let out to pee at some point, oh and better make sure the kids get bathed once in a while, and for goodness sake I am hard-pressed to shower twice a week! Gotta make sure I find some time to do my school work since my time as a part time teacher does not include a prep, yeah, that will probably just happen in the 3 minutes before my class starts every morning (pretty quality lesson being prepared!). Pay bills. Be with friends. Love on my kids. Love on my husband. Spend time with the Lord(!!)
Yikes. I'm exhausted just writing that all down! Maybe your list is miles longer and you think I'm a whiner (perhaps), maybe it's shorter and you think I'm a saint (I assure you I'm not), but either way we never have enough time and energy do we? Honestly though, the physical impossibility is the least of my problem. Yeah, it's frustrating for sure. But it is what it is. The laundry is sometimes (always) piled up. And sometimes the kids (and hubby) only get fed because they whine. Nothing real detramental here, besides the fact that I let these things get to me, they really don't make a huge difference..
The thing I can't handle is emotional stuff. I am so not able to handle all that is on my heart currently. I've wanted to be a mom and a teacher for as far back as I can remember. I remember playing school and babies as a little girl over and over. I've seen the Lord lead me into both and am positive I'm supposed to do them. (Besides, we can't really change our mind on the mom thing!?) Evenso, they are my two biggest challenges (save my marriage, but that's for another post! ;))! As of late, my job has really been burdening me...
I know how to teach middle and high school math concepts. Not a problem. What I'm struggling with is the fact that I can't get my students to put the work in to learn the concepts!! I leave my job most days feeling utterly defeated. I just can't seem to teach in a way that motivates them to want to know the material. I have a hard time being excited about my job and feeling like it's worth leaving my family everyday when I feel like I'm not even doing it well. I start to ask myself, "Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I even equipped to do this?" As stated before, I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing for a career, but I just wish it wasn't so up and down!
Part of the reason I'm not reaching some of my students is that I don't have enough time to put into my planning. Now let me tell you, I pride myself on the fact that I can stand up and teach with little to know preparation at all, and in all reality and I can teach a very good lesson this way. But it kills me to know that i could be doing more. I could have better relationships with my students. I could keep more meticulous track of their individual progress. I could come up with more resources for those that need extra help. I could be SO much better!!
And when I get to this point in the "I'm going to be a better math teacher" convictions I remember that I also have two kids of my own... They could care less about me being a better teacher and they want my attention when I'm home with them! I can't just sit on my computer and search for activities, or correct papers, or organize lessons, I have to play princess for goodness sake! And princess I will play. Because they are my #1 priority. I can never get back this time of being with them. Teaching them how to be people- Lord help me! I'm continually plauged by the idea that I may not do a good enough job. So my 7th graders don't learn how to solve an equation this year- eh!? Not really life or death issues there... But what if Brynn doesn't know how to be a good friend? What if I fail to teach her to be kind? What if I don't help her to know the amazing love of her sweet Lord!? What if I ruin her life!!??
Ok, slightly dramatic on that last one... but seriously. I'm not able. I can't sucessfully do anything I've been called to do. Not on my own that is. This is where I can either give up, or pray hard, and Lord Jesus, I'm praying! Please help me. I know you've called me into these places where only you can help me to succeed. I need you. More than I'd like to admit. I know I walk around pretending I have it all together, but I SO DO NOT. Give me the strength and the WISDOM to fulfill my callings. And when I fail, because I do-everyday, please help me get back on track. Not in my own strength, but yours.
*sigh*.... more than I wanted to share...
I nap because I am EXHAUSTED. Well, to be honest I should admit that I may or may not nap even if I am not exhausted. Anyone that knows me is already thinking that anyway... But back to the point- this momma is tired!! I've got way too much on my plate. I wake up at the crack of dawn (now yes, the sunrises are amazing, but this is SO hard for me!) and feed my 5 month old, then I pump so that he has something to eat while I am at work. I get ready (not in the real sense of the phrase..minimal makeup, hair in a pony, one of 5 outfits that fits me..)work from 7:30-11:00 every morning, then I pick up my kids wherever they happen to be that day and instantly enter into mommy mode.
Feeding the baby, feeding the hungry 3 year old, feeding the hungry 27 year old :). Trying to make sure the house is clean and the laundry is done- or maybe not done, because that is just a pipe dream in my house, but done enough so everyone has clean clothes to wear. Oh and my baby wants to be held about 85% of the time, and Brynn is begging for my attention about 80% of the time, and I have to make sure the dog gets let out to pee at some point, oh and better make sure the kids get bathed once in a while, and for goodness sake I am hard-pressed to shower twice a week! Gotta make sure I find some time to do my school work since my time as a part time teacher does not include a prep, yeah, that will probably just happen in the 3 minutes before my class starts every morning (pretty quality lesson being prepared!). Pay bills. Be with friends. Love on my kids. Love on my husband. Spend time with the Lord(!!)
Yikes. I'm exhausted just writing that all down! Maybe your list is miles longer and you think I'm a whiner (perhaps), maybe it's shorter and you think I'm a saint (I assure you I'm not), but either way we never have enough time and energy do we? Honestly though, the physical impossibility is the least of my problem. Yeah, it's frustrating for sure. But it is what it is. The laundry is sometimes (always) piled up. And sometimes the kids (and hubby) only get fed because they whine. Nothing real detramental here, besides the fact that I let these things get to me, they really don't make a huge difference..
The thing I can't handle is emotional stuff. I am so not able to handle all that is on my heart currently. I've wanted to be a mom and a teacher for as far back as I can remember. I remember playing school and babies as a little girl over and over. I've seen the Lord lead me into both and am positive I'm supposed to do them. (Besides, we can't really change our mind on the mom thing!?) Evenso, they are my two biggest challenges (save my marriage, but that's for another post! ;))! As of late, my job has really been burdening me...
I know how to teach middle and high school math concepts. Not a problem. What I'm struggling with is the fact that I can't get my students to put the work in to learn the concepts!! I leave my job most days feeling utterly defeated. I just can't seem to teach in a way that motivates them to want to know the material. I have a hard time being excited about my job and feeling like it's worth leaving my family everyday when I feel like I'm not even doing it well. I start to ask myself, "Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I even equipped to do this?" As stated before, I know it's what I'm supposed to be doing for a career, but I just wish it wasn't so up and down!
Part of the reason I'm not reaching some of my students is that I don't have enough time to put into my planning. Now let me tell you, I pride myself on the fact that I can stand up and teach with little to know preparation at all, and in all reality and I can teach a very good lesson this way. But it kills me to know that i could be doing more. I could have better relationships with my students. I could keep more meticulous track of their individual progress. I could come up with more resources for those that need extra help. I could be SO much better!!
And when I get to this point in the "I'm going to be a better math teacher" convictions I remember that I also have two kids of my own... They could care less about me being a better teacher and they want my attention when I'm home with them! I can't just sit on my computer and search for activities, or correct papers, or organize lessons, I have to play princess for goodness sake! And princess I will play. Because they are my #1 priority. I can never get back this time of being with them. Teaching them how to be people- Lord help me! I'm continually plauged by the idea that I may not do a good enough job. So my 7th graders don't learn how to solve an equation this year- eh!? Not really life or death issues there... But what if Brynn doesn't know how to be a good friend? What if I fail to teach her to be kind? What if I don't help her to know the amazing love of her sweet Lord!? What if I ruin her life!!??
Ok, slightly dramatic on that last one... but seriously. I'm not able. I can't sucessfully do anything I've been called to do. Not on my own that is. This is where I can either give up, or pray hard, and Lord Jesus, I'm praying! Please help me. I know you've called me into these places where only you can help me to succeed. I need you. More than I'd like to admit. I know I walk around pretending I have it all together, but I SO DO NOT. Give me the strength and the WISDOM to fulfill my callings. And when I fail, because I do-everyday, please help me get back on track. Not in my own strength, but yours.
*sigh*.... more than I wanted to share...
Your a saint in my book! Some days... ok most days I feel like I'm struggling to get anything done and I only have one child! I love your honesty and realness and a glimpse into your heart. Keep it coming!
ReplyDeleteThe Lord HAS equipped you for what He has called you to do girl!! I think a lot of the same things about my life like 90% of the time :S its encouraging to know im not alone or crazy :D
ReplyDeleteI just read Psalm 33 today i thought it was pretty fitting :) Thank you for sharing your heart!