My car ride home with Brynn today was entirely too precious not to share with you.
It started with a conversation about her not being very kind today at Grandma Channa's house.
And how I was less than impressed... she replied with something like,
"Well, those boys weren't really being very kind to me today..."
So we talked about how kindness is not conditional on the other person. And how we are supposed to be like Jesus, even when others are not, blah blah.... then she says,
"Well, I am going to bring this Jesus book next time and tell those boys all about Jesus and how he wants us to be kind, and that's what they should do because that's what God says."
"Well, yes, Brynn, that is what God says, but you telling them that isn't likely to make them kind. You need to show them how to be kind. With your actions. Don't just tell them about it be a good example of it. And even so not everyone is kind, that is our choice to be kind or not."
And then started the real genius....
"Yeah, mom, like Gaston. He was not kind. We should be like Belle instead..." (this is a direct reference to Disney's Beauty and the Beast, just in case you've been living in a hole for your whole life.)
"Yes, Brynn, you're exactly right, we should be like Belle. She was kind to the beast even though he was unkind at first, and ugly. She saw through to his heart and loved him. But, not everyone is kind like Belle."
And just when I thought we were done with Preschool life lesson 101, she digs in a little deeper...
"Yeah, mom, we just have to feel that flutter in our hearts. That's what it feels like when God talks to us and tells us what the right thing to do is. Don't those boys have a flutter in their hearts?"
Well, for heaven's sake, now I am being schooled by the 4-year-old. And it doesn't stop here folks.
"Yes, Brynn, I think God makes everyone's heart flutter, but he also gives us the choice to ignore it. And sometimes people do."
"Yeah, and sometimes we are just too loud, and and so we can't hear it."
My goodness I'm glad I left the music off today... I am driving and desperately trying to store these little bits of wisdom from Brynn in my memory so I can write them down. She went on to start talking about Easter. (If you think that's random, let me just tell you that she has been talking about Easter for weeks now. Wishing people "Happy Easter" and just going on and on like it's Easter season. In fact, today she asked me why Grandma Channa still had a bunny hanging up, because Easter is over. I have no idea what this is about. She's been celebrating for weeks and we should all just have celebrated and been done with it. I reminded her that Easter isn't until Sunday, so it's still okay. Oh, and she's 4. So random is kind of part of the game.) She talked about opening Easter baskets and eggs and that, while telling people about God and that "Jesus is risen," like any good AmeriChristian would.
So, I gently remind her that Easter is actually about Jesus. Period. He sacrificed himself for us, and reminds us that we should sacrifice ourselves for others. And then He rose from the dead and conquered death so we could too. Our culture has made it into a holiday about bunnies and eggs, and those things are good and fun, but not the point.
"Well, you know what I think Easter is about? I think it's about His power. And that He saved us! That's what I think it's about."
Yes, yes Brynn you are right. As usual. Our conversation then drifted for a bit, and then somehow we ended up at,
"Mom, can we ask Jesus to live in other people's hearts too, and then He will?"
My eyes are welling with tears again as I write this. Through tears I told her,
"No, Brynn, unfortunately that's not the way it works. I wish it did, but it doesn't."
Oh, I so wish it did. She asked me why not, and I told her about choices and that everyone gets to make their own. Good 'ole Free Will. She kept pressing, "But, why?"... I tried to explain 3 different ways. Stumbling and mostly saying the same exact thing 3 times. She finally accepted.
"Yeah, Mom, I wish it was that way too."
She has spent her time since we got home from our deeply theological drive making cards for people. She's said to me three times,
"Mom, I just feel so bad for myself..... I just hope Grandma Marge doesn't have to miss Easter because she isn't feeling good." (Note to self.. explain what it means to "feel bad for myself")
She has made several cards, with candy taped to them, for Grandma Marge because she is sure she will be devastated if she misses Easter and will need some cheering up. She's also been asking questions about if she can get places in her wheel chair, because she surely shouldn't be stuck.
God speaks to me through many kinds of media and people, and I know it shouldn't surprise me that he should use my 4-year-old, but it does. Every time. There are times when I wonder if I am doing a good enough job at being Jesus to her, you know, so she might actually know Him, and not just know about Him. And then my gracious God gives me afternoons like this. Where He not only assures me that she's getting it, but shows me that I might just have a few things to learn from her. Something about faith like I child, I think?
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
From a Tired Mom
I have spent this week knee-deep in vomit and diarrhea. You could barf all over me right now and I would barely notice. I would just get up and clean myself off like a robot. I've cleaned poop off of my couches twice this week, vomit from several other places including my own bed, washed everyone's bedding, scrubbed toilets, floors, and done countless loads of laundry (none of which were of the 12 loads I actually needed to do...). I did most of this deep cleaning last night when Brandon took the kids fishing for a couple hours. I wanted so badly to just sit and do nothing, just take a break for myself. But, I knew I'd feel SO much better to clean up the crap- unfortunately no pun intended.
I finished cleaning about 3 minutes before Brandon and the kids got home and jumped in for a much-needed shower. After all the laundry that I'd done that day and hot water ran to scrub floors, etc, I knew we were running low on hot water, and the kids and Brandon still needed to bathe, so I was speed showering.. 3 minutes in I hear screaming and crying greeting me... Brynn walks in the bathroom with her boots on in extra-dramatic fashion because she can't get them off. I cringe at the thought of fish guts and worm juice all over my freshly vacuumed and scrubbed floors.
I manage to finish my shower, complete with a cold self-sacrificing rinse and head in to clean the kids. I got everyone in bed in hopes of some "alone time" with Brandon- if you catch my drift. This kind of stuff flows very obviously from a week of kid vomit and cold showers, I know, but for some reason I just couldn't quite get in that "mood." I instead fell into some mess of reflecting on my not-quite-what-I-hoped-for life in the midst of some heartburn caused by eating my dinner at 8:45 because I was too busy cleaning and putting kids to bed to break for it at a normal time.
I know I was being dramatic. But being stuck in the house with sick kids for a few days will do that to you. Heck, being a mom period will do that to you. Although we all love our kids more than our own limbs, I'd bet if you call yourself "mom" you've had a least one day where you asked yourself why you decided to reproduce. If you're not willing to admit that, it's cool. I'm just a real gal- so I'll tell ya the though crosses my mind at least once a day. This job is hard. And quite frankly, that's not an easy thing for me to admit.
Of course I wouldn't trade my kids for any other life I had imagined for myself, even though I'm sure those choices would have been easier, but today I am struggling. After that detoxifying cleanse last night, Brynn ralphed up her breakfast all over my kitchen rug this morning. I considered just ending it right there. Maybe taking up a cocktail habit- I'm sure it was 5 somewhere... Brandon had to plow today (less-depressing side note: so thankful for the snow and work) so I was home alone dealing with the vomit and more diarrhea today. I thought we were done with this. She hadn't puked in 3 days and was getting better and now another day of THIS. Ugghhhhh..............
So for all you mommys and mommys-to-be, just know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I think we are convinced we'll get an award if we act like this job is easy for us, and make sure we don't share when we're about to loose it (or when we have indeed lost it). I promise you, momma, there is no cookie or trophy for this. And the only thing you might accomplish by sharing with someone is feeling better about where you're at (and I do, thanks for reading this), and maybe encouraging someone else along the way. Jesus had something to say to us...
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show the same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." Hebrews 6:10-12
Now I've got myself a Bethel education, but I am not a bible scholar. I know this is out of context, but I do believe the Lord spoke this verse over me today. You'd better believe that your work for the Lord has everything to do with loving those babies of yours. And, oh does it take some diligence. Let's not get lazy, but encourage each other, and humbly gain some wisdom from those who've already served their sentence in baby prison. The Lord has a sweet inheritance for you, sister. And for me. By his sweet power and grace, may we raise our kids to know his perfect, self-sacrificing love. You and I know all too well they see it first from their mommies.
I finished cleaning about 3 minutes before Brandon and the kids got home and jumped in for a much-needed shower. After all the laundry that I'd done that day and hot water ran to scrub floors, etc, I knew we were running low on hot water, and the kids and Brandon still needed to bathe, so I was speed showering.. 3 minutes in I hear screaming and crying greeting me... Brynn walks in the bathroom with her boots on in extra-dramatic fashion because she can't get them off. I cringe at the thought of fish guts and worm juice all over my freshly vacuumed and scrubbed floors.
I manage to finish my shower, complete with a cold self-sacrificing rinse and head in to clean the kids. I got everyone in bed in hopes of some "alone time" with Brandon- if you catch my drift. This kind of stuff flows very obviously from a week of kid vomit and cold showers, I know, but for some reason I just couldn't quite get in that "mood." I instead fell into some mess of reflecting on my not-quite-what-I-hoped-for life in the midst of some heartburn caused by eating my dinner at 8:45 because I was too busy cleaning and putting kids to bed to break for it at a normal time.
I know I was being dramatic. But being stuck in the house with sick kids for a few days will do that to you. Heck, being a mom period will do that to you. Although we all love our kids more than our own limbs, I'd bet if you call yourself "mom" you've had a least one day where you asked yourself why you decided to reproduce. If you're not willing to admit that, it's cool. I'm just a real gal- so I'll tell ya the though crosses my mind at least once a day. This job is hard. And quite frankly, that's not an easy thing for me to admit.
Of course I wouldn't trade my kids for any other life I had imagined for myself, even though I'm sure those choices would have been easier, but today I am struggling. After that detoxifying cleanse last night, Brynn ralphed up her breakfast all over my kitchen rug this morning. I considered just ending it right there. Maybe taking up a cocktail habit- I'm sure it was 5 somewhere... Brandon had to plow today (less-depressing side note: so thankful for the snow and work) so I was home alone dealing with the vomit and more diarrhea today. I thought we were done with this. She hadn't puked in 3 days and was getting better and now another day of THIS. Ugghhhhh..............
So for all you mommys and mommys-to-be, just know that you aren't alone. Sometimes I think we are convinced we'll get an award if we act like this job is easy for us, and make sure we don't share when we're about to loose it (or when we have indeed lost it). I promise you, momma, there is no cookie or trophy for this. And the only thing you might accomplish by sharing with someone is feeling better about where you're at (and I do, thanks for reading this), and maybe encouraging someone else along the way. Jesus had something to say to us...
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show the same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised." Hebrews 6:10-12
Now I've got myself a Bethel education, but I am not a bible scholar. I know this is out of context, but I do believe the Lord spoke this verse over me today. You'd better believe that your work for the Lord has everything to do with loving those babies of yours. And, oh does it take some diligence. Let's not get lazy, but encourage each other, and humbly gain some wisdom from those who've already served their sentence in baby prison. The Lord has a sweet inheritance for you, sister. And for me. By his sweet power and grace, may we raise our kids to know his perfect, self-sacrificing love. You and I know all too well they see it first from their mommies.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Dinner and Disappointment
We went out to dinner last night with my parents. (Contain your jealousy, this is an exciting Friday night for me. I have arrived.) Mexi-style dinner in good 'old Litchfield with the kids in toe. As we waited for our meal, my mom saw someone she knew and she stopped at our table to chat. Said "hi" to Trig, said the kids were cute, blah blah, sat back down. Life went on. Then Brynn, looking pretty bummed, leans over the table and whispers to me, "Mom, why didn't she say hi to me??" "Brynn, it's no big deal, she was just talking with Mema." "But, Mom, she said hi to Triggy and not me..." I was caught off guard. I told her it wasn't intentional, she didn't mean anything by it, Trig was just closer to her in proximity. Not the end of the world.
Then as I watched her slump in her chair, reality hit me again. This is just one of many left-out feelings she will have in this life. Just one of hundreds of times she's going to feel inferior. Unwanted. Not good enough. It bothered me. It bothered me more than it should have. Not at all that the woman didn't say hi to her, I know it meant nothing and of course she wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad, it bothered me that it hurt Brynn so much. I thought to myself- Is that all it takes for her to be crushed? Doesn't she have more self-confidence than that? I know, people, she's only an almost-four-year old. I'm not trying to be ridiculous here. But it really make me think about what I'm teaching her.
Am I showing her how to be confident? How to have good self-worth? Will she know who she is and how to let things go instead of taking it all to heart? I don't know. I think being a mother automatically comes with feelings of uncertainty about our kids turning out alright. I mean, deep down we're all wondering if we're doing even one thing right in raising them. You don't have to admit it, but today I will. This job comes with no instruction manual, and even if it did, all kids are different. So how do I know she's gonna be alright?
And then the truth comes like a smack in the face- I don't. I have no way of guaranteeing she's going to know how to deal with life's crappy parts. With failure, and disappointment, and loss, and change, and relationships. I mean- yeah I'm gonna do my best to teach her what I know, but Lord knows I don't have it all together either, so I sorta feel like she's crippled from the start. (Sorry, Brynn.) So what the heck do we mommas do then!? Hope for the best? Sure. But let's be practical here. What can I do today to make sure she knows how to deal?
I couldn't quit thinking about it the rest of the dinner. Brynn was not herself at all. She came over to me and laid her head on my shoulder for most of the time. She said "I want to go home" several times- and if you know Brynn, she's maybe said that 3 times in her whole life. She NEVER wants to go home. I have no idea what was wrong. It may have been her feelings were broken, but that seems unlikely. Either way I hated that she was distraught. I held her and stroked her hair. I kissed her and told her I loved her. And I prayed for her. I remembered all the times I had feelings of sadness over what others thought of me (or at least what I thought they were thinking about me..) and I felt for her. I
It was somewhere in that time that I said silently to Jesus, "I just want her to find her worth in you. I want her to know who she is in your eyes, and I want that to dominate any other image being projected on her by another." Lord, please help me to live this for her. Help me to find my worth in you. Help me to always remind her who loves her more than anyone else, and who's always there for her.
On the way home I think I asked Brynn 17 times "Is everything okay, Brynn? Is something bothering you? If you're feeling sad, you can tell me why..." "MOM- I'm FINE!" "Ok, but you know you can tell me anything, right? I'll always be here to listen to you." "But, Mom, what if you're not?" "Well, Brynn, remember Jesus is always there, and he hears you." Please, Lord, hear her. And speak to her in your still small voice. (And now you are all thinking I'm an over-analytical insane person... I promise not all dinners are this intense for me.)
Then as I watched her slump in her chair, reality hit me again. This is just one of many left-out feelings she will have in this life. Just one of hundreds of times she's going to feel inferior. Unwanted. Not good enough. It bothered me. It bothered me more than it should have. Not at all that the woman didn't say hi to her, I know it meant nothing and of course she wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad, it bothered me that it hurt Brynn so much. I thought to myself- Is that all it takes for her to be crushed? Doesn't she have more self-confidence than that? I know, people, she's only an almost-four-year old. I'm not trying to be ridiculous here. But it really make me think about what I'm teaching her.
Am I showing her how to be confident? How to have good self-worth? Will she know who she is and how to let things go instead of taking it all to heart? I don't know. I think being a mother automatically comes with feelings of uncertainty about our kids turning out alright. I mean, deep down we're all wondering if we're doing even one thing right in raising them. You don't have to admit it, but today I will. This job comes with no instruction manual, and even if it did, all kids are different. So how do I know she's gonna be alright?
And then the truth comes like a smack in the face- I don't. I have no way of guaranteeing she's going to know how to deal with life's crappy parts. With failure, and disappointment, and loss, and change, and relationships. I mean- yeah I'm gonna do my best to teach her what I know, but Lord knows I don't have it all together either, so I sorta feel like she's crippled from the start. (Sorry, Brynn.) So what the heck do we mommas do then!? Hope for the best? Sure. But let's be practical here. What can I do today to make sure she knows how to deal?
I couldn't quit thinking about it the rest of the dinner. Brynn was not herself at all. She came over to me and laid her head on my shoulder for most of the time. She said "I want to go home" several times- and if you know Brynn, she's maybe said that 3 times in her whole life. She NEVER wants to go home. I have no idea what was wrong. It may have been her feelings were broken, but that seems unlikely. Either way I hated that she was distraught. I held her and stroked her hair. I kissed her and told her I loved her. And I prayed for her. I remembered all the times I had feelings of sadness over what others thought of me (or at least what I thought they were thinking about me..) and I felt for her. I
It was somewhere in that time that I said silently to Jesus, "I just want her to find her worth in you. I want her to know who she is in your eyes, and I want that to dominate any other image being projected on her by another." Lord, please help me to live this for her. Help me to find my worth in you. Help me to always remind her who loves her more than anyone else, and who's always there for her.
On the way home I think I asked Brynn 17 times "Is everything okay, Brynn? Is something bothering you? If you're feeling sad, you can tell me why..." "MOM- I'm FINE!" "Ok, but you know you can tell me anything, right? I'll always be here to listen to you." "But, Mom, what if you're not?" "Well, Brynn, remember Jesus is always there, and he hears you." Please, Lord, hear her. And speak to her in your still small voice. (And now you are all thinking I'm an over-analytical insane person... I promise not all dinners are this intense for me.)
Sunday, October 21, 2012
One.
One short year ago I was in the hospital with a fresh baby boy in my arms. He was perfect in every way and long-awaited through 9 FFAAATTTTTTT months of pregnancy and he was finally here!! (Okay, so I got induced.. don't judge me, I needed that baby out.) As you can see he was a welcomed addition.
Okay- Brynn may have asked me about 2 days after we came home with him- "Mom, when this boy baby dies, can we get a girl baby!?" Sweet Brynn. Never a dull moment with her even a year ago.... Amazingly she's gone from that question to loving her brother SO much. She's totally protective of him and will stand up for him even to me. She also has no problem poking him until he cries, locking him in the bathroom with the lights off, and pulling him around the house by his feet.... but let's focus on the good. The two of them as siblings has been more of a blessing to me than I could have ever imagined when we decided to try for another baby- which was of course going to be another girl... Oh God does have a sense of humor, doesn't he!?
What I didn't know then is that the baby boy God placed in my body was going to become the sweetest little boy I've ever known. From the day he was born no one has loved that precious little man more than his momma. He has blessed my heart in ways I never thought possible, and it brings me no greater joy than to see him bring joy and smiles to others. He loves to wave at ANYONE, he dances at the first beat of a song, and loves food quite possible as much as his mother (a true accomplishment, I assure you).
What I didn't know then is that the baby boy God placed in my body was going to become the sweetest little boy I've ever known. From the day he was born no one has loved that precious little man more than his momma. He has blessed my heart in ways I never thought possible, and it brings me no greater joy than to see him bring joy and smiles to others. He loves to wave at ANYONE, he dances at the first beat of a song, and loves food quite possible as much as his mother (a true accomplishment, I assure you).
I can't believe in one short year I've watched him grow from this....
to this....
I will admit there have been times in the last year when Ive wanted to sell him to the highest bidder. But in all honestly, I wouldn't trade him for anything.. not even a girl baby. I love you sweet Trig Brody. I can't wait to see what God has in store for your years to come.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Dearest Drive-Thru
Here's to you, my friend, the "fast"-food drive-thru employee. After waiting 5 minutes for my "freshly-made" cheeseburger with Coke Zero and hot curly fries, I instead enjoyed it with Cherry Coke and cold fries... I know, it's tough to decipher between Cherry and Zero, what with them being at different ends of the word Coke and all... and I understand I came at the busy half-way-between-lunch-and-dinner-hour, and you were quite frazzled. I certainly appreciated that you over-flowed my pop all over the outside of my cup and handed it to me dripping and sticky, because if you hadn't, I wouldn't have asked for the napkins that I used to wipe my face of the messy cheeseburger, since putting them in my bag slipped your mind. It's ok, I forgive you. I know you were just stunned by my striking beauty as I handed you my credit card (ha!). Don't you worry, though, I shall return to patronize you another day. No, not because of your unexpectedly impressive service. But rather, because you will continue to inject your deliciousness with some sort of crack-like substance that keeps me wanting more. See you soon.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
SAHM (Stay-at-home-mom)
It has been 85 days since my last post. For the 3 of you that read this, I am terribly sorry for depriving you of my oh-so-valuable thoughts. I'm sure your life has completely fallen apart as you wonder, "what is Leah thinking!?" (insert eye-roll...) Seriously, though, it's ridiculous that I haven't found (taken) any time to blog in the past almost 3 months. I've written roughly 63 posts in my head, but I know that doesn't count. At the start of this new school year I am going to attempt to write more regularly. For your entertainment- yes, definitely, but more than that for myself. I can barely remember what I did yesterday (unless you are talking about eating... I can remember good food for weeks, months, YEARS) so I need to write it down if I have any hopes of learning anything at all in this life.
Lots of things have occured since June 14. Most of them trivial, some rather wonderful. Trig learned to "army crawl", pull himself up, and has cut 4 teeth. My sweet cousin, Jenna, is now a Mrs. Brynn is a preschooler. I made two new friends (say WHAT!?). I lost 5 lbs. or so.. (hallelujah, only 25 to go...........................). My fall decor is up!!! (very important) I've started my new job as a SAHMOP. I did not go back to school/work for the first September EVER. Just to name a few!
A fairly eventful 3 months I suppose. On Friday, I was sitting in a classroom at good 'ole New Century Academy, my previous place of employment, teaching English for my favorite colleauge. I had very mixed emotions about being in the building. On one hand, I was SO glad to be subbing rather than teaching in my own classroom. Very laid-back, low-stakes, low-responsibilty. LOVE. On another hand, it makes me sad that I don't have my own classroom and students this year. I feel a little jealous of the math teacher who took my place, wishing I was embarking on a new year with new students- grading papers, planning lessons, talking about numbers instead teaching important life skills (ahhh... numbers.. i love you...). And still on another hand (yes, that's hand number 3, don't judge), I feel SO THANKFUL to be staying at home with the kiddos this year. Waking up at 6am and getting ready Friday morning was ugly (my face in the mirror included). I'm a firm believer in "if it's still dark out you should still be sleeping."
I know its only a short season, so I'm really trying to enjoy and cherish this time focusing on my home and children. I usually succeed at this, as I possess the cutest and coolest on the planet. Truth:
Lots of things have occured since June 14. Most of them trivial, some rather wonderful. Trig learned to "army crawl", pull himself up, and has cut 4 teeth. My sweet cousin, Jenna, is now a Mrs. Brynn is a preschooler. I made two new friends (say WHAT!?). I lost 5 lbs. or so.. (hallelujah, only 25 to go...........................). My fall decor is up!!! (very important) I've started my new job as a SAHMOP. I did not go back to school/work for the first September EVER. Just to name a few!
A fairly eventful 3 months I suppose. On Friday, I was sitting in a classroom at good 'ole New Century Academy, my previous place of employment, teaching English for my favorite colleauge. I had very mixed emotions about being in the building. On one hand, I was SO glad to be subbing rather than teaching in my own classroom. Very laid-back, low-stakes, low-responsibilty. LOVE. On another hand, it makes me sad that I don't have my own classroom and students this year. I feel a little jealous of the math teacher who took my place, wishing I was embarking on a new year with new students- grading papers, planning lessons, talking about numbers instead teaching important life skills (ahhh... numbers.. i love you...). And still on another hand (yes, that's hand number 3, don't judge), I feel SO THANKFUL to be staying at home with the kiddos this year. Waking up at 6am and getting ready Friday morning was ugly (my face in the mirror included). I'm a firm believer in "if it's still dark out you should still be sleeping."
I know its only a short season, so I'm really trying to enjoy and cherish this time focusing on my home and children. I usually succeed at this, as I possess the cutest and coolest on the planet. Truth:
Biased? Prehaps. But seriously, look at them rocking those Red Vines. Even so, this SAHM thing can be a tough one. Sometimes it becomes hard to find purpose in my everyday. Somewhere in between cleaning food off the floor for the 7th time that day, sending Brynn back to the bathroom for another try due to the syrup still on her chin from yersterday, and reminding her not to talk to me like I am one of her snot-nosed preschool friends, I can start to feel somewhat crazy (certifiably insane). No, Brynn, you may not put lipgloss in your hair. I know it's sparkly and gorgeous, but they do call it lipgloss for a reason.
I know exactly why most women in our culture choose to work instead of volunteering for an extended sentence in baby prison (thanks, Jen Hatmaker for this term- a true reflection of my wonderful reality). It's exciting heading to your job everyday in your fancy clothes, sans snot and baby barf. You wear jewelery and heals often, talk to more than 2 adults in one day, and succeed in savoring your lunch daily (I hate you). Oh, how I long for the days when I actually felt qualified to do my job.... I loved being the expert I paid so dearly to become (thanks, Bethel). Now I'm the boss of a company I don't know enough about, wondering how in the world it's even remotely successful. Staying at home to raise my babies for now instead of "giving them to someone else to raise" doesn't sound nearly as noble as it once did. Mostly since I've realized that I can't blame what they do wrong on anyone else............
And then this was the verse of the day...
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT
Well, thank you, Jesus. It's just like you to know exactly what I needed to hear. After subbing at my seemingly perfect and glamorous job that I RESIGNED FROM, part of me wondering WHY!!?? I will not throw away my confident trust in you. I know you laid out this new "job" for me and trust that it is where you would have me right now. I know if I am patient you will lead me wherever I am needed and purposed. I will enjoy this time- as I know I will be longing for my no-bra-wearing-the-same-sweat-pants-since-Monday days someday all too soon.
And then this was the verse of the day...
"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT
Well, thank you, Jesus. It's just like you to know exactly what I needed to hear. After subbing at my seemingly perfect and glamorous job that I RESIGNED FROM, part of me wondering WHY!!?? I will not throw away my confident trust in you. I know you laid out this new "job" for me and trust that it is where you would have me right now. I know if I am patient you will lead me wherever I am needed and purposed. I will enjoy this time- as I know I will be longing for my no-bra-wearing-the-same-sweat-pants-since-Monday days someday all too soon.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Just stand still and don't touch anything.
I said something along those lines to my three-year-old (when I first wrote that I typed 2-year-old... Where does the time go?) while we were standing in a landscape supply store the other day. I had made a trip to St. Cloud that day and Brandon needed something- so since I was there I thought I'd save him a trip. It was REALLY hot that day (hot and I are mostly enemies) and so getting in and out of the car was slightly miserable. I planned to just run in and tell them I was there, have them load the stuff in my car and leave. I left Trig in the car sleeping (go ahead, call social service- my aunt works there, so if you need the number let me know) and only brought Brynn in because she of course had to poop at that exact moment.
She of course has to ask 36 questions about all the products in the office- "what is that, mom?" "Can I have one of those?" Blah, blah. Standard for 3, I know, but you must recall we are not in the Gap we are in a landscape supply store. There are no children here. There are landscaping things and crabby business men trying to get their stuff and get back to work. No one here cares that my daughter needs to poop and that my 8-month-old is waiting in the car. I stood there for several minutes waiting before being helped, only to find out that I was going to have to wait some more for them to go retrieve whatever it was I was picking up. (Thanks so much for calling 20 seconds before I arrived, honey.) I took Brynn to the potty (twice- she apparently wasn't done after the first time) and brought her back into the car while I waited at the risk of her breaking something expensive. There I am waiting, waiting, wwaaaiiitttiinnnggggggggggg.... peeking out the window every 15 seconds to make sure my kids are still in the car and alive, positive that everyone in the office is thinking I'm ridiculous for bringing my children, or at least neglectful for making them wait in the car.
Finally, after 2 meltdowns per child while the guy is loading things into my car, I was headed home. On the way, kids sleeping by God's sweet grace after a day of no naps, I became quite annoyed with myself. I was so mean to Brynn in the store. (And I'm sure I was a real peach to the office people- standing there waiting in frustration for my landscaping crap.) Every phrase from my lips was negative. "Don't do that. Quit touching that! I told you not to touch that! Come on, Brynn, you know better. You just went potty, why didn't you finish while we were already in there? Shhhh!!! Don't talk so loud...." Oh and the looks I gave her. I of course couldn't see my face, but I can about imagine. I mean, the girl is THREE, Leah! Settle down on her.
This extremely unhelpful and ineffective parenting has been happening all too often lately in the midst of my new full-time-mommy-with-two-kids role. I'm too often looking back at how I reacted to something kid-related and wanting to smack myself. Upon reflecting on my behavior I have decided that there are a few reasons why I get so frustrated at my children in certain situations.
1. I am totally embarrassed. When I morph into shut-up-or-i'll-smack-you mommy in public it is almost always because I am mortified by my child(ren)'s behavior. I just really don't what them bugging other people! Honestly, it's one of the things that stresses me out the most. I just want them to be kids who are "seen and not heard" when we are in public. People shouldn't have to be inconvenienced by my kids. They didn't show up with them and their experience at wherever shouldn't have to be affected by them. This may sounds ridiculous, but this one is directly related to the fact that I'm not a "kid person." I love my kids of course, but not just any kids. I guess I want them to be kids that don't annoy us non-kid-lovers.
2. I know I taught them better than that. Okay, so Trig is not yet 8-months old- I've taught him basically nothing. But Brynn- I look at her some days and think, "Are you KIDDING me!??" I am just shocked some times by the things we have to go back to on the learning curve. "You really thought throwing all of those clothes from the stroller onto the store floor was an okay thing to do?" "What made you think that dragging Trig across the carpet by his arms while he's screaming was fine?" "Did you just jump off the back of their couch?" Seriously- these and more are just questions I shouldn't have to ask at this point.
3. I'm crabby about something else. This one makes me the most upset with myself. Sometimes I'm pissed at Brandon for something. Other times I'm seriously exhausted from being up too late, or having to get up during the night. Or maybe I'm hormonal. Whatever. The point is my kids are just walking (or in Trig's case-rolling) along enjoying life and "psycho mommy" flies at them for no real reason. NOT COOL.
There they are. Top three reasons I get far to frustrated with my kiddos. Sad thing is that regardless of my justifications- and let me tell you, sometimes they deserve it, I'm almost always missing the boat. I'm ignoring the teachable moments and instead demanding obedience. I'm squelching curiosity and trading it for quiet. I'm punishing cries for affection with spankings and harsh words. Before you quit reading please understand that I am not apologizing for disciplining my children. I'm apologizing for my heart behind it. I seem to have mastered disciplining with the wrong motives. After all, why is it that I want Brynn to behave in a certain way? Why do I want my babies to do this and not that?
I want them to know how to be a successful adult. That's the bottom line. Practical things of course: social skills, hygiene, etc, etc. But most of all I want them to have success in their relationships. I desire for them to know how to be a good friend. How to be a good wife/husband and mom/dad someday. How to be a good student, co-worker, neighbor. That's all of our goals, right? More than that I just want so badly for them to know The One who loves more than my heart is able. The One who made them each specifically and loved them before they were even a thought in my mind. He knew that I should be the one to lead them as their mother in the beginning of their lives in this world and I am so thankful He chose me to do it. Humbled and so grateful for the opportunity. My prayer today and always is that God would help me raise them to know Him as their Savior. Not because I know Him, but because HE pursues them.
I want them to know how much Jesus loves them. That sounds cliché, but I mean it with all of my being. If they can know how much Jesus truly loves them they will without a doubt fall in love with Him in return. If you knew Him truly you would have no other choice. So whatever it is I am supposed to teach them to make it possible for them to encounter His presence I want to do it. He is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE. To know and serve Him is to have succeeded. Help me, Lord, so that they will succeed.
She of course has to ask 36 questions about all the products in the office- "what is that, mom?" "Can I have one of those?" Blah, blah. Standard for 3, I know, but you must recall we are not in the Gap we are in a landscape supply store. There are no children here. There are landscaping things and crabby business men trying to get their stuff and get back to work. No one here cares that my daughter needs to poop and that my 8-month-old is waiting in the car. I stood there for several minutes waiting before being helped, only to find out that I was going to have to wait some more for them to go retrieve whatever it was I was picking up. (Thanks so much for calling 20 seconds before I arrived, honey.) I took Brynn to the potty (twice- she apparently wasn't done after the first time) and brought her back into the car while I waited at the risk of her breaking something expensive. There I am waiting, waiting, wwaaaiiitttiinnnggggggggggg.... peeking out the window every 15 seconds to make sure my kids are still in the car and alive, positive that everyone in the office is thinking I'm ridiculous for bringing my children, or at least neglectful for making them wait in the car.
Finally, after 2 meltdowns per child while the guy is loading things into my car, I was headed home. On the way, kids sleeping by God's sweet grace after a day of no naps, I became quite annoyed with myself. I was so mean to Brynn in the store. (And I'm sure I was a real peach to the office people- standing there waiting in frustration for my landscaping crap.) Every phrase from my lips was negative. "Don't do that. Quit touching that! I told you not to touch that! Come on, Brynn, you know better. You just went potty, why didn't you finish while we were already in there? Shhhh!!! Don't talk so loud...." Oh and the looks I gave her. I of course couldn't see my face, but I can about imagine. I mean, the girl is THREE, Leah! Settle down on her.
This extremely unhelpful and ineffective parenting has been happening all too often lately in the midst of my new full-time-mommy-with-two-kids role. I'm too often looking back at how I reacted to something kid-related and wanting to smack myself. Upon reflecting on my behavior I have decided that there are a few reasons why I get so frustrated at my children in certain situations.
1. I am totally embarrassed. When I morph into shut-up-or-i'll-smack-you mommy in public it is almost always because I am mortified by my child(ren)'s behavior. I just really don't what them bugging other people! Honestly, it's one of the things that stresses me out the most. I just want them to be kids who are "seen and not heard" when we are in public. People shouldn't have to be inconvenienced by my kids. They didn't show up with them and their experience at wherever shouldn't have to be affected by them. This may sounds ridiculous, but this one is directly related to the fact that I'm not a "kid person." I love my kids of course, but not just any kids. I guess I want them to be kids that don't annoy us non-kid-lovers.
2. I know I taught them better than that. Okay, so Trig is not yet 8-months old- I've taught him basically nothing. But Brynn- I look at her some days and think, "Are you KIDDING me!??" I am just shocked some times by the things we have to go back to on the learning curve. "You really thought throwing all of those clothes from the stroller onto the store floor was an okay thing to do?" "What made you think that dragging Trig across the carpet by his arms while he's screaming was fine?" "Did you just jump off the back of their couch?" Seriously- these and more are just questions I shouldn't have to ask at this point.
3. I'm crabby about something else. This one makes me the most upset with myself. Sometimes I'm pissed at Brandon for something. Other times I'm seriously exhausted from being up too late, or having to get up during the night. Or maybe I'm hormonal. Whatever. The point is my kids are just walking (or in Trig's case-rolling) along enjoying life and "psycho mommy" flies at them for no real reason. NOT COOL.
There they are. Top three reasons I get far to frustrated with my kiddos. Sad thing is that regardless of my justifications- and let me tell you, sometimes they deserve it, I'm almost always missing the boat. I'm ignoring the teachable moments and instead demanding obedience. I'm squelching curiosity and trading it for quiet. I'm punishing cries for affection with spankings and harsh words. Before you quit reading please understand that I am not apologizing for disciplining my children. I'm apologizing for my heart behind it. I seem to have mastered disciplining with the wrong motives. After all, why is it that I want Brynn to behave in a certain way? Why do I want my babies to do this and not that?
I want them to know how to be a successful adult. That's the bottom line. Practical things of course: social skills, hygiene, etc, etc. But most of all I want them to have success in their relationships. I desire for them to know how to be a good friend. How to be a good wife/husband and mom/dad someday. How to be a good student, co-worker, neighbor. That's all of our goals, right? More than that I just want so badly for them to know The One who loves more than my heart is able. The One who made them each specifically and loved them before they were even a thought in my mind. He knew that I should be the one to lead them as their mother in the beginning of their lives in this world and I am so thankful He chose me to do it. Humbled and so grateful for the opportunity. My prayer today and always is that God would help me raise them to know Him as their Savior. Not because I know Him, but because HE pursues them.
I want them to know how much Jesus loves them. That sounds cliché, but I mean it with all of my being. If they can know how much Jesus truly loves them they will without a doubt fall in love with Him in return. If you knew Him truly you would have no other choice. So whatever it is I am supposed to teach them to make it possible for them to encounter His presence I want to do it. He is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE. To know and serve Him is to have succeeded. Help me, Lord, so that they will succeed.
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